Kathy's Musings

Someone Bad Is Hoping

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:02:00 +0000

Do you know you have an enemy who is hoping to destroy you? But there's good news! The book of Esther is where we find this truth and it's our fourth entry of the word hope:

Esther 9:1 “Now in the twelfth month (that is, the month Adar), on the thirteenth day when the king's command and edict were about to be executed, on the day when the enemies of the Jews hoped to gain the mastery over them, it was turned to the contrary so that the Jews themselves gained the mastery over those who hated them.” NASB

Do you know Satan believes, (maybe you could call it “hopes”) he will kill, steal and destroy you and the good which God intends for you. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” The Enemy wishes evil but Jesus desires your good.

Satan wants to do everything he can to mess up your life, make you fall to temptation, distrust God, and make sinful and unwise decisions. Not only does he want to do that, he tries to do that. He is alive and active; just as alive and active as the enemy's plans that the Jews faced in the time of Esther.

One man in particular, Haman, was the source of a deceitful plan to destroy all Jews because he hated them. But God intervened and through Esther”s obedience, He protected, delivered, and actually prospered the Jews. And of course, we have the magnificent and powerfully inspiring surrender of Esther when she said, “If I perish, I perish.” She went in before the king at her own deadly risk. If you haven't read this book of the Bible, you will find an amazing story, which by the way, doesn't mention God at all but clearly, His fingerprints are all over everything that happened.

You are being attacked even more effectively than you realize and more often than you realize. Our eyes need to be opened to see the enemy's fingerprints, who hopes to destroy everything. We fight him by recognizing his efforts through the principle of 2 Corinthians 10:5: “...we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” (NASB). That means we examine our thoughts and compare them to the truths of Scripture. For instance, if we're hearing, “I can't do this even though God wants me to,” take it captive with “I can do all things through Christ” (Philippians 4:13).

For this principle in my speaking, I pass out rubber bands for everyone to put on their wrists. If they agree with a thought that isn't in line with Scripture, they are to snap themselves with the rubber band.
When you see the rubber band on your wrist it can also be a reminder to ask, “Have I been thinking the truth or believing Satan's lie?”

Satan hopes to destroy you; but through God's truth we will conquer him.

Yet! Regardless! In Spite Of! There is Hope!

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 19:25:00 +0000

We are continuing our walk through the Bible hunting out the word “hope.” The third mention is found in Ezra 1:1-3:

“Now while Ezra was praying and making confession, weeping and prostrating himself before the house of God, a very large assembly, men, women and children, gathered to him from Israel; for the people wept bitterly.

Shecaniah the son of Jehiel, one of the sons of Elam, said to Ezra, "We have been unfaithful to our God and have married foreign women from the peoples of the land; yet now there is hope for Israel in spite of this.

"So now let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives and their children, according to the counsel of my lord and of those who tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law.”

I'm amazed first of all at the moving of the Holy Spirit within the people to bring repentance. Did it start with one person? Did it start with several people? Or maybe everyone at the same time? You just don't hear too often of a mass of people having a spiritual revival. It certainly has happened in history but not often. And what creates that? Of course the Holy Spirit. But it would be fascinating to know how that happens. And how can we help it to happen around us? And in us?

But what's all this talk about “put away all the wives and their children”? Can that possibly be something God would want? It sounds cruel. Why do they need to do such a hard thing?

The background is that contrary to God's commands, the Jews have intermingled in marriage with those who weren't Jews and who didn't believe in Jehovah God. Bonding themselves with unbelievers was a sign of their disobedience and disbelief in God. If a Gentile wife or child decided to believe in God and follow the Jewish laws and commands, they would no longer be considered in that category. That would be fine. But evidently these Gentiles had not converted and this was preventing God's blessing upon all the community. And it was so grievous a sin that the only way to repent and surrender was to get rid of the unconverted wives and children. Sometimes the repentance has to be that extreme.

I do not believe for a second that a Christan married to an unbelieving spouse should “put away” that spouse. In fact, the New Testament says that shouldn't be done. There is hope for that unbeliever as he or she is surrounded by Christian love.

This Old Testament story though is a powerful example of how important it it is to God that we align ourselves with only believers for marriage. The New Testament says that and this story backs it up in a powerful way. There just can't be the blessings of God upon “unequal yokes.” And ask any Christian married to an unbeliever and they will confirm that. Usually their whole heart longs to have the fellowship of a believing spouse. It's just not the same.

But the important phrase in these passage is: “yet now there is hope.” And that phrase is for every single one of us who need hope. Yet! But! Regardless! Nevertheless! In spite of! Contrary to!

Whether we have sinned and need hope of forgiveness. Whether we are sick and need hope of healing. Whether we have strayed from God and need reconciliation. Whether a loved one is unsaved and need hope of salvation. The list goes on and on. As grievous as the Israelites' sin had been, yet there is hope. If they would repent and surrender and put away the reason for their sin, they would be reconciled with God and then His blessings would flow.

Because the sin of the Israelites was so deep, so extensive, so representative of a pervading disbelief in God, the fact that there is hope for them surely gives us hope for us. There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. There is no sin that is too bad to be forgiven. There is no straying from God that can't be called back to the path. There is no illness that can't be healed. There is hope for God's best in our lives, regardless of how “bad” we believe we have been. God did it for the Israelites and He wants to do it for us.

Surely, that shows His incredible love and His desire to give us hope..

The Bible Says There is No Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 19:56:00 +0000

We're in our second day of looking at the theme of "hope" and starting from the beginning of the Bible our second selection is found in 1 Chronicles 29:14-16

"But who am I and who are my people that we should be able to offer as generously as this? For all things come from You, and from Your hand we have given You.

"For we are sojourners before You, and tenants, as all our fathers were; our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no hope.

"O LORD our God, all this abundance that we have provided to build You a house for Your holy name, it is from Your hand, and all is Yours. (NASB)

I was surprised when I read that phrase: “there is no hope.” No hope? The Bible says there's no hope? Then what are we doing here trusting and “hoping” in God. I can see where this phrase could be misused by some and I was determined to figure out whether my initial reaction to it was sound.

After looking up several translations, it wasn't until I found the Amplified version that I understood it's underlying meaning: “For we are strangers before You, and sojourners, as all our fathers were; our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no hope or expectation of remaining.'”

Ah! This gives a better perspective. The meaning is not that there isn't any hope, but that there is no hope of remaining on this earth longer than God intends for each of us to live.

I think this is significant because so often with the Bible we read a verse or passage and we think we know what it means. After all, the words are clear. But sometimes, as in this case, we may not have all the information we need.

Along those lines, I always think of the phrase in the Bible, “there is no God.” I can see someone saying to someone who doesn't know the Bible: “Did you know the Bible says there is no god?” “Really?” they might reply.

But the verse actually says, “The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God.” (NASB)

How careful we need to be to not only quote the Bible correctly and understand the context that it's written in, but also seek the underlying meanings of words.

And that is true with the short passage we're looking at on hope. But the first meaning says we don't have any hope of living longer than God intends. But also read the verse before and after. It's fun to see if there is a connection or contrast. I think there is a contrast.

Because the word hope in verse 15 is surrounded by hope. There is hope that we can give back to God because He so generously gives to us. There is hope that He will always provide for us. The very fact that He determines the length of our days means that He is in control; so therefore, we have the hope that our loving God is in control of every aspect of our lives.

I'm buoyed up by thinking of hope in this context. We have hope for so much: God's provision, God's sovereignty, and God's interest in every area of our lives, including our death. I hope it buoys you up also.

2010 Theme of Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 01:21:00 +0000

>When I paused to ask the Lord about any direction for studying the Bible this year, the word hope came to my mind.

I wondered, “Is that my theme for this year Lord or just an emphasis for this moment or for awhile or what?” I didn't receive any direction on that but I thought I'd do a verse study on hope. And I think I'll blog on it when I can.

Of course, I relate to that word hope because one of the many themes of my illness sabbatical has been hope. Putting my hope in the Lord and His work rather than hoping in doctors, procedures and programs. Only He is my source for relief. He provides.

Speaking of provision, after Dr. Etebar prescribed celebrex and lyrica for pain management for me, we found out it wasn't' covered and would cost $500. We called Dr. Nasr about sample pills and he was able to provided a good amount for several week of the Lyrica. Alhtough we had already bought lyrica at $138. But at least it saved us the larger part of buying celebrex.

I did a word search for “hope” in the Bible at www.biblegateway.com” and the first reference is found in Ruth.

“But Naomi said, "Return, my daughters. Why should you go with me? Have I yet sons in my womb, that they may be your husbands? "Return, my daughters! Go, for I am too old to have a husband. If I said I have hope, if I should even have a husband tonight and also bear sons, would you therefore wait until they were grown? Would you therefore refrain from marrying? No, my daughters; for it is harder for me than for you, for the hand of the LORD has gone forth against me." Ruth 1:11-13 (New American Standard Bible)

I'm surprised that the first mention of hope is so far along in the Bible. Not until Ruth is hope mentioned. What about the Law? What about the First five books of the Bible. Hope wasn't even mentioned in relation to Joseph's story? Interesting. Not sure the significance of this but if anyone ever needed hope, it was “Mara”, oh, excuse me, that's Naomi who had no hope.

In the NASB there are 146 references to the word hope. I guess I would have thought there would be more. I anticipate that most of them will be in the Psalms and the Epistles.

Naomi talks about having hope in relation to bearing sons for her daughters-in-law, but really the lack of hope is the whole theme of her life at this present state.

There have been times in this painful journey that I've lost hope of ever being out of pain again. I've longed for the ability to sit in a restaurant, to drive a car, to take a trip, to sit and visit with friends. I still don't know the future but I've had to surrender my expectations and turn them over to the Lord.

I don't know what the future holds, but I have faith to know He knows.

Right now as I'm looking out my bedroom window, there is a wonderful sunset of lines of organe and gray and beige and blue. The sun sets and leaves us the hope that it will rise again. Just as Naomi had hope in the end and ended up with the joy of a grandson, I have hope in the Lord for whatever He desires.

Trusting God's Communication Abilities

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 14:25:00 +0000

Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment with the surgeon and he said I shouldn't have continuing pain. I may be bleeding inside where he did the work because that would cause inflammation and pain. But he doubts that because I haven't had fever and chills, which usually accompany that.

Or there is a re-occurrence of the bulge, which happens in 5% of surgeries. As a result, he has ordered another MRI which of course has to be okeyed by insurance. Don't know when that will happen.

I've been mulling over the meaning of all that's going on....why the pain journey continues and why the surgery may have not been effective, or there is a re-occurrence of the bulge. Have I disobeyed in some way? Have I not got the message or learned the lesson? Did I hear correctly that the Lord won't heal me through surgery? Am I not listening in some way? Etc

Thank you Lord that I don't need to be fearful or fretting. You are in charge and You will accomplish all you desire for me...and all of us. Even in this I don't need to be anxious for anything (Philippians 4:6-7).

I Thessalonians 5:24 promises, “Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.”

And Psalm 138:8 promises, “The LORD will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.”

I rest in that.

Is God a "No-No"?

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 21:13:00 +0000

Because of my back surgery, we've had to be careful allowing my 2 1/2 year old grandson Raphael near me. Yet, he doesn't realize that he can't climb all over me and yesterday he ran toward me fully intending to jump onto me. We all had to yell, "no, no, no..." Thankfully, he stopped.

But the look on his face was telling. Because even though I was smiling, the "no" message was negative. Grandma is a no-no. Don't touch! Don't go near. The look on Raffi's face was a mixture of confusion and disappointment. And I felt bad because he had to conclude that what he was doing was wrong. He was doing a no-no and got scolded for it. But of course, it wasn't about him at all. It was about my safety. He hadn't done anything wrong but we had to react as if he was doing something wrong.

I felt so sad.

How do you try to communicate to a toddler not to rambunctiously approach me? We had to say, "Grandma is broken" and "grandma has an owee." "Be gentle."

Although the correlation has much to lack, it did make me wonder whether God is a no-no for some people. Were they given messages about God in their childhood that made God seem "broken" or incapable or unapproachable? Or when we approached God as a child, did we feel like someone was scolding us and we thought it was wrong to jump to Him or ask for His help?

I think that God feels even more sadness than I felt if anyone feels He is dangerous to approach. How sad. I'm trusting that when I can become an active grandma again, that any wrong ideas Raffi has about my availability will disappear. And I believe with all my heart that God wants to dispel any lies someone has about Him.

Oh Lord, reveal the truth about yourself--your goodness, availability, power and love. Thank you that you are not injured and we can throw ourselves upon you. You welcome it!

My Family's Unplanned Christmas Tradition

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:11:00 +0000

It wasn't intended to be a Christmas tradition and yet because it took place over several years when my brother, sister and I were young, it became a tradition. And I'm sure we'll speak of it this Thursday when we have our family get together.

In our house in Norwalk, California, the kitchen was separated from the bedrooms by the living room. The living room held the Christmas tree and it was one of our traditions for Santa to bring unwrapped gifts for under the Christmas tree. Not unusal of course. Except that it posed a problem.

My mother adamantly insisted we three kids eat breakfast before opening our gifts. She knew if we didn't, our behavior would deteriorate because of low blood sugar and we'd be too distracted by our gifts to eat. As a result, we had to go to the kitchen to eat.

The problem? To go to the kitchen, we had to go through the livingroom where the Christmas tree held the unwrapped presents. It wouldn't do to have us see our gifts.

So somehow someone thought of the idea of our father and our Uncle Frank carrying us from the bedroom to the ktichen with a blanket over our heads so that we couldn't see. Then in the kitchen we would quickly gobble down our Malt-O-Meal and then head for the tree. Of course, only after Mother had turned on the bright lights of the movie camera.

For years, we were carried through the living room and it became a fun experience and a looked-forward-to-event.

Certainly, no one thought this would become a tradition nor that we would speak fondly of it every Christmas. But that's how traditions are. Most of them are not planned and we may even be surprised that a particular happening became a fond memory.

Are you sometimes concerned that you don't have Christmas traditions? Let me assure you that you have more than you realize. Be confident that memories are being created. And they'll be spoken of in years to come.

Thank You, James Hanger!

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:05:00 +0000

In preparation for my back surgery, I went to the Hanger Prosthetics and Orthodics Company to get fitted for a back brace; which of course, I'm wearing now all the time except when I'm laying down.

As I waited in the office, i noticed a piece of paper explaining how this company began. It turns out it was started in 1861 by James Edward Hanger and is our nation's largest prosthetics and orthodics company with over 620 branches nationwide.

What was particularly fascinating is that James Hanger started the company because he was the first amputee of the Civil War. He was 18 years old and returned home to Virginia. He created an artificial leg from whittled barrel staves. He called it the "hanger limb" and fitted other Confederate amputees with his creation.

As I read about James Hanger, I was really touched recognizing how this young man used his difficult circumstances for good in his world. Rather than whining and complaining, he obviously helped others. As we say in the speaking/writing ministry, find a hole and fill it. He filled a hole and even now, 140 years later, his company is helping me by preventing me from moving wrong which could un-do the progress the surgeon made.

I think the Lord God has a hole for each of us to fill in His Kingdom. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them" (NASB). It's so wonderful to remember that God has a purpose for every one of us.

Be inspired by James Hanger!

I Recommend "Mystery of the Cross"

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 03:09:00 +0000

Larry and I recently sampled a sliver of chocolate at Trader Joe's called a “Dark Chocolate Crisp.” It's as thin as a Lays Potato Chip but wow! Was it powerfully chocolaty strong! We both commented that it was so rich we would easily have any chocolate itch scratched. And if you know me, you know I'm a chocoholic. Just give me the chocolate and no one will get hurt! We had to buy the package!

That incident came to my mind as I've been reading The Mystery of the Cross: Bringing Ancient Christian Images to Life by Judith Couchman (InterVarsity Press). Each short devotional is so rich it makes you feel like you've had a full meal of eating in the Lord's presence. Judith's book is a unique one. It has 40 fairly short devotionals about various aspects of the cross throughout history and especially of the cross of Christ. Although this book would be a particularly impactful one at Easter time, don't wait until then to feast from its richness.

I don't think I would have ever thought about someone writing a book about the history of the cross or that it could be so meaningful, but Judith succeeds in bringing out rich textures about the cross. And if you're one who loves history and/or art, you'll love this book. But everyone will benefit from it. I appreciate history and art but I'm not a fanatic. This book makes me want to enjoy the history of many things. She makes you realize how many threads are involved in the history of something and that's how this book makes you think about the cross. There's so much more to it than just the cross Jesus died on. She certainly covers all the aspects of what we know about that cross from the Bible, but there's so much additional related information she includes. In fact, fascinating information. Like the Standing Stones of Callanish in Scotland that are arranged in the configure of a cross. These standing monoliths rival the Stonehenge in England. And she includes a photo of the Scotland monoliths.

Here are the section titles which give a good overview of the book:

Part One: Ancient Echoes of the Cross: The Cross in Pre-Christian Times

Part Two: The Pain and the Glory: The Cross and the Suffering Savior

Part Three: Early Signs of Faith: The Cross and the Early Believers

Part Four: The Great Conversion: The Cross and Early Religious Freedom

Part Five: Daily Signs of Salvation: The Cross in Ancient Everyday Life

Part Six: Ways to Worship: The Cross in Early Church Life

Part Seven: Enduring Mysteries: The Cross and Its Eternal Power

I highly recommend Judith's book. I know it will be a blessing to you as it has been to me. Judith is the author of over 40 books, Bible studies, and compilations. She also teaches art history part time at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS).

You can purchase it at your local bookstores, online booksellers, or at the publishers website: www.ivpress.com. The retail price is $17.00 but many online sellers are offering it at discount.

Loving Well

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 23:44:00 +0000

For several days the Lord keeps pulling me back to Philippians 1 and I'm fascinated trying to figure out the connection between discerning love and righteousness. The NET Bible says: “And I pray this, that your love may abound even more and more in knowledge and every kind of insight so that you can decide what is best, and thus be sincere and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

That's what I love about God's Word to us. No matter how many times you've read or studied a passage, it just keeps holding treasures. I've even written a book about Philippians, in fact, 2 books, and I'm still looking at it with fresh eyes. Or it could be that my senior mind forgets what I'd learned before. LOL

This passage says that if our love abounds in knowledge and insight, we will be righteous and as a result of that, sincere and blameless when we see Jesus. But how does discerning and knowledgeable love result in being able to decide what is best? Making the best choices is a great definition of righteousness, don't you think?

The first thing I thought of was having a kind of love for other people that is discerning—in other words, understanding what really is the best for that person. Sometimes we think we're loving a person but we're not actually loving them well. Maybe we're rescuing them or enabling them or taking away the opportunity for them to make their own choices. Maybe we are loving them in order to appear a good and loving person rather than keeping the other person's best interests in mind. I can see how making loving choices-- that are truly loving for that person-- is “doing what is best.”

Then I looked at Philippians 1:9-11 in the NASB: “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.”

And in The Message: “So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.”

This passage is all about motives. Working backwards, our righteousness comes from making wise choices, which comes from having a right motive of loving for the right reasons. Much loving isn't always well loving. Much loving isn't always appropriate loving. Much loving isn't always based in real knowledge and discernment. “Un-well” loving doesn't bring approval of that which is excellent. It approves that which is weak and unwise and un-good for the person who is supposedly being loved.

But if we love much and well, we won't have wrong motives. Wrong motives are motives like:

*doing it for our benefit,

*for us looking good,

*for us feeling good about ourselves because we think we've made the person feel good and thus we feel good about ourselves.

If we don't have wrong motives, we will be making righteous choices. And God will approve of what we've done because it's been about Him and not ourselves.

My favorite story along these lines is how I was worried when 14 year old son Mark flew across country to go to the FCA golf camp. He had to change planes in Dallas. I just knew he would not know how to find his flight even though I tried to explain about the monitor. I worried and at 2pm when I anticipated him calling me to say he'd missed his connecting flight, the Lord whispered in my heart, “You want him to fail so that he'll need you.” At first I was horrified to think that. How bad of me. But then I knew it was true. I wanted to be involved in his life and be needed. That's not loving well. My worry said I was more important than him needing God. I confessed my “un-well” love, which wasn't love at all because I didn't want his best.

It's amazing how stealthily un-loving love can seem righteous. But discerning, righteous love wants a person's best. It has nothing to do with ourselves. And sometimes real “good and appropriate love” makes hard choices. People call it tough love. It's allowing a person to make unwise choices so that the consequences that God allows will hopefully draw them closer to God—not us. Rescuing love doesn't want them to suffer because then it'll appear we were unkind to not step in. Or we'll hurt emotionally because we're worried about them. Psalm 19:19 speaks the truth: “A man of great anger will bear the penalty, For if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again” (NASB).

Oh, Lord, help us to love with discernment and appropriateness for then we'll make righteous choices and be found blameless and sincere at your coming.

Important Perspecitve About Guilt and Shame

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:07:00 +0000

Tim Chester writes, "Ongoing guilt makes your opinion the one that matters most; shame makes people's opinions what matters most. Repentance is making God central and accepting his declaration that you're righteous in Christ." pg 134, You Can Change, IVP, 2008.

So often we think we're doing the right thing when we don't forgive ourselves and it can almost feel good to berate ourselves or beat ourselves over the head over our sin. But then we're layering sin upon sin because we're disobeying God's invitation to receive His forgiveness and be reconciled to Him.

Moving Day for Audrey

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:19:00 +0000

Six years ago when Larry's dad died, we began caregiving for his mom, Audrey, who was about 87. The first sign of what was to come--her Lewy Body Dementia--was the day she called to say she'd received a letter from her health insurance and they wanted to get rid of her. We didn't know what was going on but the paranoia had set in.

Little by little things got worse, both mentally and physically. We remember the day she called furiously claiming someone sealed the lid on the trash can and had put their trash in her trash can. It was heavy and she couldn't open it. When we arrived, we realized she had been trying to open it from the wrong side.

Little by little things got worse. She wanted to be independent so eventually we moved her into assisted living. But the paranoia and delusions and hallucinations characteristic of Lewy Body (www.lbda.org) got worse and Larry's research brought him to the conclusion she had LBD.
After 6 months at the assisted living, we knew she wasn't handling it. Not only were people stealing her stuff, when we found the stolen item, she knew they had returned it. The clincher was the day she said they had sprayed poison underneath her door and were trying to kill her. We moved her back to her own home. Except that she slept at our house and we took her back to her house to spend the day. Meals on wheels provided her lunch and she fixed a frozen dinner for dinner.

Eventually she wasn't eating much and couldn't remember how to work the microwave and burned the pot on the stove. It was time to come to our house to live.

That was 2 1/2 years ago. Little by little she has gone deeper into the disease. A saving grace was the Monday through Friday "social club" we took her to. It's available to those with Alzheimers and Dementia and she could have some interaction from 10-3 and we didn't go insane.

Now she doesn't know who we are and if Larry says he is her son, she says, "You are not!" She believes we hate her and wish her harm. At least she's past the point of accusing us of stealing her money. A few Sundays ago, Larry told her he was going to preach the sermon at church. She looked at him aghast and said, "Heaven help us."

Now that I've been unable to do pretty much of anything for almost 6 months because of my intense back pain, Larry has become caretakers for both the demented women in this home. Well, okay, I'm only half-demented. So one and a half demented women. Audrey is no longer horrified that a man is dressing her.

But we believe the Lord has said it's enough. It's time. Audrey will be moving this afternoon to a care house where a caregiver(s) care for two other women. We believe they will give better care to her than we can and we know it's for her best. And it's for our best. Our stress level with all that's going on hits the roof. The Lord is gracious and strengthens us, but as our wise Pastor Marvin O'Dell said, "God only strengthens you for what He wants you to do."

So please pray that Audrey will adjust well to her new place. Considering that when she comes home from social club each day, she thinks she's in a new place, her "new place" shouldn't seem too strange.

We're wondering what this new phase for us will be like. Hopefully I'll have surgery next week and after several weeks of recuperation, we will be seeing how God leads for a new chapter of our lives. We have grown tremendously in many ways through these 2 1/2 years. When we realized Audrey would have to live here full time, I sat on the patio looking at the sunset and cried to God, "My life is ruined." My life wasn't ruined. It was changed and I was changed and Larry was changed. God worked and we'd like to think we're closer to God and we are closer in character to Jesus.

Please pray that Audrey will do well, my surgery will be God's provision for healing (if He doesn't miraculously heal me in the next week) and we will know His leading for the future--step by step.

Announcement and Ramblings on Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 03:12:00 +0000

After 2 1/2 years of having Audrey, Larry's mom, living with us, we are moving her on Tuesday into a care house with caregivers caring for 3 women. We visited the care house today. It feels so weird to think that the hands-on caregiving is over. Of course, if I were well, I'd really be thrilled; like crazy. But knowing I really won't be able to take full advantage of it, I'm only relieved knowing I won't have to think about caring for her. The other benefits of the freedom, etc, won't be meaningful until after the surgery and the Lord heals me.

I really think she will do well in the house setting. She had begun refusing to leave the day care where she goes for Monday-Friday. She thought she lived there. Now that she'll stay in one place all the time, she won't be moving around and getting more confused. And one of the residents is quite talkative and alert. I think she will welcome Audrey and be a good friend. And the caregivers seem very loving and experienced. It's a lovely house highly recommended through a friend whose business is to help place elders in good places.

I have a sense that the Lord has released us and said, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." Although I really thought that she would stay here until she died here. But with my back condition and having surgery hopefully in December, and the pressure of Larry having to care of two disabled women, our limit has been reached. It feels like in the Lord's power, we should be able to do it endlessly regardless of the circumstances. But as Pastor Marvin commented, "You're only called to do what God wants you to do; not everything."

Ramblings on pain and future surgery:

I can tell when I'm putting hope in the surgery, because I'm no longer praying for God's healing before surgery; I'm just holding on until surgery. The Lord gave me the message of “be patient” as He directed me to read Psalm 37. That really sunk deep in my soul and I've been resting in it. He only wants me to live moment by moment, (as I should be doing about everything) not anticipating being in pain for several more weeks until the surgery. Otherwise, it feels so overwhelming and I begin to think, “I can't do this.”

But He wants me to not anticipate anything other than walking with him. Of course, it's easy to just be patient as I trust in taking the pain meds. But Lord, I really want to rest in you; with your strength-- to walk moment by moment.

I also can tell when I'm putting my trust in the surgery and leaving out the Lord when an obstacle occurs for progression toward surgery. Like this past week when I found out it would take me 2 weeks to see Dr Nasr, my regular doctor who has to refer me to pre-surgery tests. And I also found out it had taken a week for the surgeon/office to get the request in to the insurance. As a result, my surgery hasn't even been authorized yet. I was so discouraged. I cried because the obstacle was tantamount to me. In moments like that, I'm not trusting in the Lord's timing but in my desperation to get something going and to be out of pain.

Yes, it's normal to want to be out of pain and it's normal to take measures to be out of pain. But if that drive and demand leave out the Lord, then it's sin. I'm saying I must have this. I want to say, “Lord, I must have you and I trust you to provide everything else I truly need.”

The sense of entitlement creaks in so stealthily. After all, isn't it normal to expect to be out of pain? It seems a given. But there are many Christians who struggle with chronic pain. No, it's not a given that I shouldn't be in pain. I'm not entitled to have anything. Only my position in Christ is my entitlement.

I've really been trying to include “if the Lord heals me” in my thinking and speaking. It's more of a reminder to me that my healing is dependent upon the Lord. I hope it doesn't sound negative or that I don't think the surgery can help me. I think it can. But it can't without the Lord's permission and His healing touch.

Quote for Contemplating Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:34:00 +0000

We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character.”--C.S. Lewis, (The Problem of Pain, page 34)

Review for "Surviving One Bad Year"

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:17:00 +0000

I know I already mentioned this book in my last post, but I thought I'd share the review for it that I put on sites like cbd, amazon and Barnes and Noble. Obviously, I recommend this book.

"I was encouraged by Nancie's vulnerable sharing about her challenging time. It was especially meaningful as I've been struggling with chronic pain. Her wise words would help anyone at any time since we all have struggles and challenges, but for those of us who feel like it's a more-than-average difficult time, her message really hits home. The ideas she shares are applicable for every struggle we face. If you flip through this book, you don't really benefit from the depth of meaning and encouragement it offers. I liked how Nancie included both spiritual insights and very practical ideas like taking good care of yourself. Sometimes we just need to have someone give us permission to do the things that should come naturally—but in times of stress we don't. She has included a “Personal Reflection” section at the end of each chapter that could easily be used by a group. And there's also a “New Beginnings Resource” list of insights; plus recommended reading. I've already recommended this book to others. Have it on hand for your inevitable “bad year.”

Analysis Paralysis

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:52:00 +0000

As I've traveled this road of back pain, I've sought the Lord for His purposes. Over the 5 months, I've had moments of great insight and yet wondering what I'm missing. I'm currently reading Nancie Carmichael's new book, Surviving One Bad Year, (Howard Books), and she refers to the disciples walking the Emmaus road with Jesus and then writes,

"As the two disciples from Emmaus walked and talked, they tried to make sense of things, to sort them out. And don't we do the same? We try to make sense of our experience, we analyze it: Where did we go wrong? What could we have done to prevent this? What did we miss? Whose fault was it? We can have feelings of failure, regret, and blame. And just plain sorrow. There's a risk to analysis, though. Joseph F. Schmidt writes, 'We are aware that by judging an experience we have classified its importance and therefore controlled its impact. In the process of labeling, we have surrendered to the analysis of the ego and have manipulated our experience.'' (Praying our Experiences, page 44)."

Nancie continues, "In other words, not so fast with the analysis. Wait. Look for Jesus in this place. The One who promised never to leave us nor forsake us, will show up." (page 48).

Nancie's words helped me to release the need to "make sure" I was thinking of everything I should learn. Although it seems a noble quest (after all, God does want me to gain what He desires from the experience), it also had become a self-focused pursuit and a lack of trust in God.

It was a self focused pursuit because I believed I had to make sure the insights came. And it was a lack of trust in God in believing He wasn't strong enough to show me whatever He wants to show me. I don't have to make it happen; I just have to be open and alert to whatever He wants to show me, whenever He wants to show me. And the other day, without me trying to force something to occur, He gently poured another insight into my open and receptive mind.

It also occured to me that the inner transformation He's working in me might not be fully revealed right away. It may be over a long time. I don't have to see or know everything that's going on. I can trust God to accomplish that which He intends for me. That's what Psalm 138:8 says, 'The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands" (NASB).

God has a plan and has not forgotten what it is.

How about you? Are you trying to figure out God and His plans? Are you in analysis paralysis? Neither of us needs to stress. God is faithful to reveal Himself and His plan. Count on it!

A Cane is Like a Strategy

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:27:00 +0000

The pain meds are less effective—minus vicodin. Now it really hurts to walk. I'm going to use a cane. It's great how much that really does help. No pressure or less pressure is good.

Larry just came home from taking his mom to elder day care and said, "Don't use the cane. It will make your leg atrophy more from non use and it will put you out of alignment."

That makes sense. So he has put it away.

His comment made me realized how symbolic using a cane is with how we use strategies to avoid pain. A strategy puts us out of alignment when walking with the Lord--we limp in our ability to stand firm (Ephesians 6). Our shield of faith is off center and doesn't protect our chest because we're leaning over or to the side.

And our spiritual muscles atrophy because they aren't being used. We're depending upon other responses instead of trusting God.

What do strategies look like? Anything and anytime we're trusting in our own protections and devices rather than God's. It looks like anything opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. A sinful, self-protective strategy includes reactions like anger, discontentment, impatience, apathy, closing off our heart in a relationship, worry, fear, manipulation, etc.

I'm not using the cane. I thought it would benefit me but it doesn't. The pain may be diminished but I'm just gaining more problems.

I have yet to relinquish all the strategies I have grabbed onto to protect myself from pain. But I know that's what God is calling me to every day. I'm going to take my shield of faith, stand firm and straight and protect my heart from distrust of God.

No Longer "Miss-don't-Make-Waves"

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:40:00 +0000

First read the post before this.

I'm shedding my "No waves" personna. I just called the health insurance referral service and asked about the referral to the surgeon. It has been approved.

I then called the surgeon's office and they've rec'd it but doctor will go over MRI report and then they'll call me to make an appt.

Please pray that these steps will be taken quickly and there will be an appt open soon.

Ascribe to the Lord....

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:54:00 +0000

>Last Friday, I'd decided I couldn't wait the additional 3 weeks the pain management doc wanted me to wait before referring me to a surgeon. I was in continuing great pain. So I got up my courage in the Lord, and left a message last Friday even though the doctor's office was closed.

If you know me, you can guess how much God was empowering me to speak up and make that call. Especially since I'm "Miss-Just-do-what-they-say-and-don't make waves." God inspired me to act. (Thanks also to my friend, Kat, who I'd been talking to last week and encouraged me to take action.)

I really didn't have much hope that I'd hear from them Monday because they are horrible about returning phone calls. At about 8:30 Monday morning, in response to my message from Friday, the scheduler called to say she had a cancellation that afternoon. Could I come in? I felt like I had a huge kiss from God. A cancellation at the last minute doesn't happen often because people have to wait 3 or more weeks to get into this doctor.

But I was still afraid the doctor would say he couldn't refer me until longer. But no problem; he treated it like it was a no-brainer. I was ready to have to fight for it. Larry was in the room and maybe that helped. Why on earth at my 3rd cortisone shot he had originally told me he couldn't refer me because the cortisone would have to get out of my system before I could correctly be assessed---I'll never know. I'd begged him to make it earlier. But now, no problem to get a referral. A little frustrating.

Well, I was really so grateful. Besides my hope in the Lord, I have hope for relief. I trust it's God will for me to get relief through surgery. No guarantees, I know, but at least there's forward action.

As I turned to Scripture and the Psalms to put to words my gratitude to the Lord, I found Psalm 29:

Ascribe to the LORD, O sons of the mighty,
Ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
²Ascribe to the LORD the glory due to His name;
Worship the LORD in holy array.
³The voice of the LORD is upon the waters;
The God of glory thunders,
The LORD is over many waters.
⁴The voice of the LORD is powerful,
The voice of the LORD is majestic.

I want to ascribe to the Lord His power and strength in being in charge and giving me grace and mercy at a needed time. Please pray that I can get an appointment at the surgeon's office as soon as possible.

43 Years of Walking with Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:19:00 +0000

Forty three years ago today, October 1st (it was 1967 then and I was 18!), I became a Christian. I specifically asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I'm grateful for the foundation I'd received from going to church as a child, but I hadn't really committed myself and understood the full Gospel message. That day I more clearly knew I was a sinner in need of a Savior. It was a great day and began a journey of learning more and more all these years.

On that day, I must admit that a lot of my motivation was hoping that receiving Christ would mean I could manage life better--maybe even become perfect! Well, now after 43 years, that myth is totally out of the equation. There are ups and downs; curves and mountains. But that just keeps me trusting God.

I sometimes remember what it was like before I became a Christian. I was guilt-ridden, blaming myself for everything, and trying to earn my way into heaven and earn God's love. How wonderful that I'm free from guilt and can ask for forgiveness and be cleansed as soon as I sin. I don't have to beat myself over the head for what I do wrong trying to earn back God's love. I know that His great love for me and you is totally unconditional. It is not based on our performance. Someone said, "There's nothing you can do to make God love you more and there's nothing you can do to make God love you less." Knowing that, I think, is the biggest difference.

I think it's good to reflect back to where we were and the burdens we carried before we trusted Jesus for salvation. It reminds us of the difference between a striving life and a surrendered life. There's still problems and uncertainty, but there's an assurance of His help and future glory.

I can apply that principle to my journey in pain. When I focus on the fact that I can't sit--it's just too painful--I can get discouraged and think God hasn't answered my prayers (and those of you who have prayed--thank you very much). But then I think of what my pain level was before He began healing me through various means--the latest: my second cortisone shot.

Originally, I was in so much pain that I was taking vicadin continually along with 800 mg ibuprofen every 8 hours; now I only take one Alleve. I can get up and down without gritting my teeth. I can lean over to wash my face without grimacing. There is progress!

If you sometimes feel discouraged because you haven't reached perfection in your Christian walk or you keep struggling with the same issue; just remember--in God's power, you have made progress.

The Apostle Paul in Galatians 6:9 encourages us with, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." I tend to apply that verse only to doing good for others, but couldn't we also apply it to our own sanctification process of "doing right/good"? And as we persevere, we will reap holiness and closeness to the Lord.

Don't become weary!

Prayer request & More on Psalm 27

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:02:00 +0000

My second spinal cortisone shot for sciatic pain is tomorrow/Tuesday morning. Please pray for favor with God to deliver me from pain.

And the reason I use that wording, which for some reason, sounds a little weird to me, is because of additional insights from studying Psalm 27. We've been talking about "seeking God" as Psalm 27 talks about. I studied it with the NET Bible today and that translation gives a study note that "seeking God means seeking favor through prayer." So it's not just a matter of getting to know God more but of bringing our concerns to Him and asking for Him to intervene. That's reassuring. He wants us, and tells us, as in verses 7-8,
⁷Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
⁸When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You,
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." (NASB)

The NET Bible renders it:

"27:7 Hear me,O Lord, when I cry out!

Have mercy on me and answer me!

27:8 My heart tells me to pray to you,

and I do pray to you, O Lord.^"

So this is another proof that when we're asking for God's intervention, help, and deliverance, we are seeking His face. It's not just a matter of coming to Him without a desire for His help. At times asking for His help seems selfish. But God says, "Bring it on! Ask me. Seek me. I'm here for you. I care. Cast all your burdens on me and I will sustain you. I'm going to glorify myself through coming through for you!"

Thank you, Lord, I need you! I'm seeking you.

Fluctuations Are To Be Expeccted

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:11:00 +0000

As I've continued to meditate on Psalm 27, I'm struck by how Psalmist David does say he wants only to focus on the Lord but he spends most of the Psalm bringing his concerns to the Lord. He cries out to the Lord for deliverance and protection. For instance, he writes,

¹²Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.

And he writes about being confident and unafraid and yet writes,

⁷Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
⁸When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You,
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
⁹Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

That's what I love about the Bible. It's honest! It shows where we're really at. David is vulnerable in showing the fluctuating emotions within him. He's confident and yet he's afraid. He's seeking God as his "one thing" and he also brings his concerns to God. He doesn't just sit around humming a mantra--some phrase over and over again to clear his mind. He's not in denial. He faces reality and says, "God, help me. I'm focusing on you. I'm seeking you. I expect you'll help me with these very real things."

Seeking God or Him being our "one thing" doesn't mean we aren't focused on other things.

David closes the Psalm with,

¹³I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
¹⁴Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

It seems he doesn't really expect instant answers. He knows he'll need to be strong and take courage. In the Amplified Bible, the wording is,
¹³[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!
¹⁴Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

In The Message, it's:
^13-14 I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.

The word "wait" in the Hebrew is: qavah. It means:

"gather together, look, patiently, tarry, wait for, on, upon A primitive root; to bind together (perhaps by twisting), i.e. Collect; (figuratively) to expect -- gather (together), look, patiently, tarry, wait (for, on, upon)." http://strongsnumbers.com/hebrew/6960.htm

I like this aspect: "to bind together (perhaps by twisting)". At times, it feels like we're being twisted in knots as fluctuating emotions assail us. "Yes, Lord, I'm confident. But you are going to take care of my enemies, right? I'm seeking you, Lord, but it feels like I can't see your face. I'm hoping and waiting, but my heart seems weak. Help!"

(Remember, our "enemies" can be things like pain, disappointment, discontentment, angry tendencies--anything that makes us not want to abide in Christ. For us, it's not just an enemy who is trying to kill us like it was with David. It's people or circumstances or temptations).

Maybe another aspect of "twisting" is when a rope has more and more strands twisted together, it gets stronger and stronger. The more you and I affirm our faith, hope and trust in God, the stronger our ability to wait upon Him grows. We're being twisted but each time we keep our hope we are less likely to turn away the next time.

Of course, Satan is ready in an instant to accuse. "Wow! Look at your fluctuating faith. You are so weak. No wonder the Lord has turned His face from you. If your faith were perfectly strong, you'd get the answer to your prayer."

That's a lie from the Evil One. God doesn't turn away from David and He won't turn away from us. We are His children and nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. We can bank on that.

I confess my faith is being twisted by pain and wanting it to end. I cry, "How long, Lord?" Yes, there's been progress but pain is pain. And still not being able to sit at my desk is disappointing. And wonder if I never can?

Then I must focus on the truth: God is good (as verse 13 says) and I am living in His goodness even in these circumstances. He knows His plan for my good and His glory.

How is your faith being twisted today? Does your faith fluctuate? It's all right. God understands. And He will be faithful to deliver you as he did David.

Pain as a Kind of Fast

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:34:00 +0000

An interesting thought sprang into my mind the other day and I've been mulling it over. "Pain is a kind of fast." Hmmm. Interesting.

Normally, we think of fasting from food. The purpose of the abstaining from food (among many purposes) is to remind us to seek God and/or pray for something in particular or in general. In other words, when a hunger pang hits me, instead of seeking out something to eat, I will seek out God. It's a way to be nudged to remember God.

Well, pain is like a fast from comfort. When we're comfortable, it's easier to forget God. After all, "God, things are pretty good. I'll check in with you later." But later doesn't come--or not as often as we'd like.

But pain makes us, forces us to seek God. Especially when medical solutions don't seem to be working. So at the least we seek Him for guidance as to what to do next. And He loves it! He wants to guide us. That's affirmed by Psalm 73:23-24 "Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
²⁴With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

My blogger friend and fellow traveler down the path of back pain, Rachel Beran (http://beranville.blogspot.com/), shared Psalm 73:25-26 with me and it made me look at several important verses in that Psalm:
²⁵Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
²⁶My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those are wonderful words. Yet challenging. "I desire nothing on earth"????? Like, as in, not wanting to go clothes shopping? Or get relief from pain? Or watch "The Golden Girls" on TV (No! I still haven't seen all the reruns!) Or .... You name it...whatever is your favorite earthly thing.

Yes, I know. I don't really think, as you do, that God doesn't want us to enjoy those things. He delights in giving good gifts to His children. But pain, the fast from comfort, makes me really focus on what truly is important. We'd most likely be willing to give up just about anything to be delivered from pain. And if you don't believe that, you haven't been in pain...enough pain.

But I feel like I'm rambling. I said I'm still mulling this over. I can't say yet God is all I desire on earth but I think in a small way, fasting from comfort is getting me a tiny bit closer there. For sure, He wants to be my strength and has shown Himself faithful for that. And remember: even seeking God for relief from pain is seeking Him. We are coming to Him for help and we are exhibiting our dependence upon Him knowing that He is our Great Physician, even as He uses earthly medicine.

As I read over all of Psalm 73, the last verse really struck me also. ²⁸But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

"The nearness of God is my good." Is for my good. As I fast from comfort through pain, it is good to seek God. He becomes more precious and important, more and more near to me. A refuge from fear that this will be my lot in life. A refuge from the temptation to make everything about me. And the strength to not be crabby (OK, imperfectly).

Even though He allows hard times, I'm more convinced of His love and care for me. I don't like the journey. And I hope this kind of fast is temporary. But He is becoming "more of" enough for me. (But I still can't wait to go clothes shopping).

One Thing I Ask of the Lord

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 22:26:00 +0000

My friend, Gail Wolfe, passed along these words by Ken Wiggers who contracted malaria while serving as a missionary in Papua New Guinea and later had lymphoma (see more of his story at the end of this post). He says, “I'm reluctant to inform folks of physical health problems because that seems to become the primary focus of so many prayers I hear. We're much more inclined to pray for physical issues/healing than for spiritual needs and issues. So, were you to ask me how to pray, my answer would be, that through this experience, no matter what the outcome, my attitude would clearly reflect my confidence that 'God is in charge' and that He's accomplishing His purpose in my life. And in that, I and those around me can rest in His grace and peace.”'

His words resonated in me because as I've struggled with sciatic pain, I've wrestled with wanting to keep my thoughts focused on seeking the Lord. Yet most of the time, I'm compelled to only want relief from pain. I know that's natural and believe me, I want God's healing. I'm so grateful for everyone's prayers. God is answering. But I also don't want this challenge wasted. God wants to use everything in our lives for our growth and good.

As I've meditated on Psalm 27 for several days now, I see this truth. The Psalmist David is in the midst of deep trouble, with enemies threatening him. Yet, he writes, “One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock. (NIV vs. 4-5).
Then he writes, “My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD. (vs 8, 13-14).

David wanted only one thing: seeking and knowing God's face. He didn't beg for relief or deliverance. (Although it is true that in other Psalms he begged for relief and deliverance). He believed trouble was unavoidable, but he didn't ask for relief but to know God more. He knew it would require patience, waiting on the Lord, and he was confident God would indeed work only for his good “in the land of the living.”
That is the kind of passion I long for. Ken wants people to pray for him, that “my attitude would clearly reflect my confidence that 'God is in charge' and that He's accomplishing His purpose in my life.”

Would you pray that for me also? My overarching desire is to seek and know God more. And in particular, right now, to trust God enough to be patient and have self control in not trying too quickly to sit in my desk chair! In my fear that I won't ever sit again, I tried to force it and set myself back three days ago because of my impatience. You can't hurry God. I must still have lots to learn on bed rest.

AND the rest of the story from Ken who wrote me:
“You are more than welcome to use the quote Gail sent on to you. Let me add that some lessons in life are not quickly learned. It wasn't just malaria and lymphoma.

While in aviation training for missions I had surgery removing part of a lung. Later for about 10 years I struggled with back spasms blamed on that previous surgery. The ultimate result was surgery to remove a spinal cord tumor about the size of a thumb in my upper back. We also had a special needs daughter who who caused us to take a 5 year leave of absence from missions. She died at age 11 (mentally about age 2) in Papua New Guinea from hepatitis with pneumonia complications .

I could tell you more but that is enough to let you know that after awhile you begin to realize that God REALLY is in control, not yourself, not the doctors, or... My wife, Pat, had the opportunity to tell her eye doctor that very thing when several weeks after glaucoma correction surgery she developed an infection, the retina completely detached, and ultimately the eye was removed to stop the super-sensitivity to light.

The best lessons in life come during the tough times. Rom 5:3; Jam 5:2-4”

Audrey has Lost Her Knowledge of Heaven (AND PAIN UDPATE(

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Collard Miller) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:41:00 +0000

Larry and I have been sad that his 93-year-old mom, Audrey, has forgotten what heaven is. She has Lewy Body Dementia and has deteriorated to the point that she doesn't know who we are, can never remember that she lives here, and is now actually forgetting how to dress herself. It's been a long decline.

But when Larry talked to her the other day and mentioned her going to heaven, she didn't know what heaven was. This is particularly sad because for so long as she hated getting old and would often say, "I wonder why God doesn't take me home to heaven to see Him. That's going to be so great," there was such hope and comfort in her demeanor. Somehow knowing that, it seemed to her, made it worthwhile to wait.

But now she doesn't have that hope any longer. And she rarely even asks about God taking her home. In her anger, she'll just exclaim she wants to die.

This has made Larry and I think about how significant it is that we have hope of heaven. And it's something that most likely should occupy more of our thoughts. This life isn't the whole story. Everything that happens to us has a purpose--to prepare us for heaven where I believe we'll serve Him in meaningful ways. I don't know how but I think the scripture says we'll reign with Him. We gotta reign over something, right? I think that means we'll have some responsibilities.

Regardless, we have a hope. When we're discouraged, we know we'll never be discouraged in heaven. When we're in pain, we know we'll never be in pain in heaven. When we're grieving, we know we'll never grieve in heaven. There is so much comfort and hope in knowing it will be perfect there and we'll continually enjoy Jesus' very presence.

And the pain of earth will be forgotten. How wonderful.

PAIN UPDATE: I think I'm a little better and my emotional state is definitely better. And I could actually sit in my desk chair for 23 minutes this morning. Yes, it was uncomfortable and I had to squirm into different poses at times but I could do it. Thank you, Lord. You can't imagine how much I miss sitting at my desk. Laying on my bed with the lap top is not my cup of tea. And I don't have all my files nor the things on my desk. Well, enough complaining. There is hope. Thank you for your continued prayers.