The Motives of Godly Sorrow

Choosing godly sorrow is a challenge because when we are attacked, misunderstood, or hurt, everything within us wants to fight to stay in control of the situation or defend ourselves. But 2 Corinthians 7:1-16 gives us some insights into living in the Holy Spirit's power in this area. Verses 1-4 give the motives for godly sorrow; a few verses after that, Paul will directly talk about godly sorrow (which we'll address in another post).

He writes, "Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all defilement of flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God. Make room for us in your hearts; we wronged no one, we corrupted no one, we took advantage of no one. I do not speak to condemn you, for I have said before that you are in our hearts to die together and to live together. Great is my confidence in you; great is my boasting on your behalf. I am filled with comfort; I am overflowing with joy in all our affliction" (1-4 NASB).

1. Paul's goal is always cleansing that leads to holiness.
2. Paul shows his motive of being at peace with everyone. His attitude is not one of forcing others to admit how right he is. He does, in a sense, defend his actions, but there's no sense of a demand that others agree with him.
3. Paul makes it clear that his desire is not to condemn but to reconcile and encourage. He is "for" them; not against them. He is even willing to die alongside them or live with them. He doesn't withdraw from them because they are sinning or being imperfect.
4. Paul expresses his confidence that good things will happen. He is not trying to whip them into shape by being negative or stressing all the bad things they've done. Because their behavior is not a reflection of himself, he can live in joy, without worry or fear that his own reputation is being ruined.

Paul's pure motive comes through clearly. He's not angry. He's not pointing a finger at them. He wants them to come to repentance through godly sorrow and he will say it plainly in the next verses.

When we want to correct someone, let's examine our own motives to see if we can seek after Paul's heart.

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

We're talking about godly sorrow which can be defined as we grieving over another's sin and desiring their repentance. The opposite is getting offended, making it all about me, defending myself, attacking, withdrawing, taking revenge, telling others about that person's sin, responding with contempt, or avoiding contact. One of the ways we can tell we're not responding with godly sorrow is to point the finger back at the other person. Romans 2:1-4 in The Message says it clearly,

"Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.

"You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change."

One of the most common ways we point our finger at someone else is by reacting in protective anger. Anger is one way to try to distract the attention away from ourselves when we fear we might deserve someone's hurtful behavior. Maybe we're really not as certain as we thought about our love-ability and so we feel exposed.

Unfortunately, my husband, Larry, knows this all too well. He's married to me! I'm the queen of feeling exposed. He may innocently say something like, "Do you think you could have handled that in such-and-such manner?" Exposure! Maybe I'm not as perfect as I'm trying to convince everyone else. My perfectionism as my default gets threatened. "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" (If you didn't watch the TV show, "Lost in Space" in the 60's, this tidbit will be uneventful for you but it's an understood reference around my house.) I feel like someone is pointing a huge finger at me, declaring, "Imperfect!"

Well, if a huge finger is pointing at me, I'll just point back. I skillfully remember and rehearse something Larry did that was imperfect. There! That'll take care of that! I've protected myself! No one will know I'm not actually perfect! Larry is the bad one!

Now I realize that in this example, I wasn't being sinned against. But whether it's a perceived threat to our image or someone has done something to hurt us, godly sorrow doesn't react in ungodly ways. Godly sorrow desires the best for the other person. We may still need to set appropriate boundaries, but our desire is that they will repent and restore relationship with their Heavenly Father. Our goal is not that they apologize to us and profusely say how right we were (and how wrong they were!). The goal is that they live in harmony with their Abba Father. That's loving them well.

When you are feeling attacked, misunderstood, maligned, gossiped against, whatever... Go to God. He is for you! He is your strong tower. He knows the truth and wraps His arms around you. You don't need to protect yourself. You can respond in godly sorrow and love another well. And when you do, you'll rejoice in God's ability to work in their lives so much better than you.

Are Your Feelings Hurt?

When someone hurts us or even irritates us, it's easy to react in an ungodly way because we want to defend ourselves and protect ourselves. We point the finger at him or her, thinking that takes the focus off of us--just in case we might be deserving of what they did or said. It even feels justified to be "hurt."

Does it sound too unfathomable to hear that it is possible to not become "hurt" by the actions of others? I think for some, and it has for me in the past, seemed impossible to not react with hurt. (OK, it's still a challenge!) After all, if someone does something hurtful, shouldn't I be hurt? They hurt me! They hurt my feelings! They rejected me! There's a litany of situations where being hurt seems like the only option. And unfortunately, hurt turns into resentment, bitterness, and anger.

But, believe it or not, being "hurt" can be prevented by living with the perspective of godly sorrow. Godly sorrow is when we're more grieved over the sin or dysfunction of someone else than trying to defend or protect ourselves. Godly sorrow is when we are more concerned about the healing and joy of the other person, rather than making sure we don't look bad or are never hurt again. Godly sorrow will even put ourselves at risk for the good of the other person, rather than withdrawing and making sure we don't experience any more pain.

Godly sorrow is only possible if we believe God has our back; if we believe that He is the source of our every true need. Godly sorrow is most difficult when the person who is "hurting us" is a perceived source of joy, love, or some other need.

Of course, Jesus is our example of godly sorrow, as He is our example of every good thing. A good story is in Matthew 16: 22-23. Jesus has just told his disciples that He will be killed and then rise again. "Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You." But He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but man's." (NASB).

That is godly sorrow! Jesus could see the heavenly battle occurring, the influence upon Peter and Jesus reacted to the influence and the battle not to Peter. Jesus could have been "hurt." He could have thought, "Oh, that Peter! He makes me feel so bad. He just doesn't understand me, even after all the time I've spent with him. I'd hoped my training would have made more of an impact. That really bothers me. That hurts my feelings."

I trust you're smiling. We can't even imagine Jesus having any of those reactions or thoughts. Not even close. Guess what? We're supposed to be like Jesus! Jesus never got his feelings hurt! He never took anything personally! Isn't that amazing? That blows my mind. He saw the heavenly battle going on and He addressed that instead of attacking Peter in order to protect His own reputation and feelings.

Do you recognize that Satan (or his minions), are trying to get to you through some of the people around you? And he most often uses those who mean the most to you or who represent something that is valuable to you. If that person's valuable opinion of you or an accomplishment on your "bucket list" is withdrawn, it's easy to feel hurt. The rejection and disappointment fuel our ungodly reaction of pointing to them as doing something wrong or casting blame, etc. It feels like it's all about them, but it's really a defensive and protective ungodly, yes! sinful response.

How would Jesus's example of godly sorrow correspond? Can we first believe that God is sovereign and allows only that which is for our good? Can we then care about the needs of that person or whatever is best in that situation rather than focusing on us? This is a hard assignment but it has everything to do with believing God is good and trusting God's goodness.

Next time, I'll share another way to reach out in godly sorrow. In the meantime, can you share anything about being hurt or godly sorrow? Can you think of a biblical story of godly sorrow? HINT: there are several even in the Old Testament!

What Do You Know about Homosexuality?

This is a high risk post because I want to review the book, Homosexuality and the Christian by Mark A. Yarhouse, PsyD. (Bethany House, 2010). I think it's a high risk post because I know there are many who have varying beliefs about homosexuality. I plan to read more books about a variety of issues Christians face for writing our next book, but for now, Yarhouse's book is the first I've read on this subject. But the book is important because this issue is one that is hard to talk about and hard to know how to respond to.

Many years ago a woman revealed to me that she is a lesbian and it totally took me off guard. I was completely tongue tied. I didn't know anything to say or not say. I just sorta stared at her. I think she then talked about a very troubling childhood including being raped at 13. If I'd read Yarhouse's book, I would have been more prepared to enter into this woman's pain and world.

Mark Yarhouse seems very qualified to write this book. I think that's important to know. He is Professor of Psychology at Regent University and the director of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity. I appreciated his calm and measured coverage of the subject and included many examples from his therapy practice. He has a thoroughly Christian perspective.

The most important thing I learned in his book is that there is a "three-tier distinction" between attractions, orientation, and identity. Here are summaries of those terms in Dr. Yarhouse's words:

Same Sex Attraction: "Certain people, regardless of the cause, have experiences of attraction to the same sex. This fact doesn't say anything about either their identity or their behavior...It is descriptive. We are simply talking about the fact that a person experiences same-sex attraction." (page 41)

Homosexual Orientation: "When people talk about having a homosexual attraction, they are essentially saying that they experience a same-sex attraction that is strong enough, durable enough, and persistent enough for them to feel that they are oriented toward the same sex." (page 42).

Gay Identity: "When people take on this label, they move beyond describing their experience and instead are forming their identity." (page 42).

Dr. Yarhouse also writes, "What I want to recommend is that we keep the three tiers distinct and try to be more descriptive. For those who find it helpful, we can create and keep open this 'intellectual space' for them to sort out their own sense of identity. Talking to people in specific terms about their attractions is more helpful than presuming that an identity has already been shaped around these attractions." (pg. 43).

I take this to mean that if someone tells me, "I'm gay," I need to not assume that they have already taken on the gay agenda. I need to ask questions which will reveal where they are in reality. They may not even know they have choices to make, especially if they have only encountered other gay people who encourage them to take on the gay identity.

As Dr. Yarhouse goes on throughout the book, he stresses that a person who has a homosexual attraction may not be able to change that attraction but he/she can choose in God's power to resist acting on it.

What causes homosexuality? This is the question we all move to immediately. Dr. Yarhouse believes that the reason is not really known. Some studies show some things and others show others. He believes the old ideas about the child being raised with a weak father and a too-strong mother or even sexual abuse may not fully explain the cause.

He writes, "Although I disagree with those in the gay community who advance the conclusion that nature is the sole cause of homosexuality, I also disagree with Christians who take the position that it is all nurture." (page 80). Of course, by "nature," the gay community believes the person is born with homosexuality at their core. By "nurture," many Christians believe it was the family dynamics or the experiences a person encountered. In the chapter "What Causes Homosexuality?" Dr. Yahouse examines the possible causes: biology, childhood experiences, environmental influences, and adult experiences.

I highly recommend reading Homosexuality and the Christian. Even if we can't imagine having an opportunity to respond to someone struggling with homosexuality, there might be that opportunity when you least expect it. I personally feel that I will have more knowledge, compassion, insights and a godly, loving response if someone shares with me again.

Sitting in the Jury Box

(NOTE: My friend, Jim, who I mentioned several posts ago as fighting cancer, entered the presence of God on Tuesday morning. We are missing his big blue eyes, his teasing, his incredible skills as a handyman, and his relaxed and welcoming friendship. Please pray for his wife, Gail, as she starts a new walk down the path of grief).

On Tuesday, I had the privilege of sitting in a jury box being questioned by a prosecutor and a defense attorney. In my almost 62 years of living, I've been called for jury selection maybe six or seven times. Every time, I would have begged on my knees to sit on a jury. It just sounds like a fascinating experience. The courtroom is an interesting place to me. I love watching the TV channel covering live and real courtroom cases. BUT I've never been allowed to sit on a jury. I've always been kicked off the courtroom island.

Why? Because my husband was a policeman for 30 years and even though now retired, I still have to disclose that interesting bit of information. (Should I just say he's a freelance writer like me? Would that be deceptive? I just asked Larry, he said, "Yes!" OK, back to my story... But it would be for a worthy cause...OK, back to my story).

A friend of mine who is a policeman's wife was recently allowed to be on a jury, so I went in on Tuesday with a very hopeful heart. But oh, no, the first person the defense attorney picked to send off the island was me! Grumble, grumble, grumble. I was really disappointed. Maybe it's really my face... I digress. Or I seemed too eager to be impartial. I digress. Who knows! I'll never know and now I'm convinced, I'm never going to serve unless I am called into a civil case. Unfortunately, our courthouse rarely hosts civil cases. Just ask my attorney neighbor who travels far away for her civil cases.

But as I walked off the island, oh, I mean, walked out of the courtroom, I wondered, "Why am I so eager to do this? Why does having a person's future in my hands seem so attractive? Why do I want to have the pressure of trying to stand my ground if I'm not in agreement with other members of the jury? Why do I feel like I can make such huge decisions?"

I don't have the answers for those questions, but I did become acutely aware and grateful thinking about God being a just judge and jury member. OK, just a judge. There won't be any jury in heaven deliberating our innocence or guilt. Only God will make all the decisions. Only God can see the motives of our hearts. He knows everything about us and at the final judgment, the only thing God will need to know is whether you and I are clothed in Jesus' robe of righteousness because we have depended upon Jesus to cleanse us from our sins, thus making Him the Lord of our lives.

Isn't that the most amazing thing ever? Aren't you glad you don't have to sit at the defense table hoping and praying that the jury can figure out the truth? Aren't you thrilled that God will declare you innocent because He knows you are His child?

Our country is blessed by a justice system that is the best in the world. Heaven is the only place where a superior system resides. And I'm grateful I won't be kicked off any heavenly jury.

But can I still hope that there's a chance that I'll someday serve on a jury? Don't worry, I will keep telling them my husband was a cop.

Fighting the Defeated Foe

In my last post, I talked about resisting Satan and "taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). The next day I was reading Daniel 7 and came across this verse:

"''He [Satan] will speak out against the Most High and wear down the saints of the Highest One, and he will intend to make alterations in times and in law; and they will be given into his hand for a time, times, and half a time." (verse 25).

Wear down! Wear out! The New Living Translation gives the wording "oppress." Do you sometimes feel like your Enemy is trying to wear you down? It really does feel like "oppression." It's like a heavy cloud in our spirits that won't go away. And in all honesty, sometimes when I resist Satan he doesn't give up. He keeps sending those flaming missiles, hoping I'll get worn down.

How does Satan try to wear us down? A few ways I thought of:
1. Discourages us when we don't reach perfection--and we feel like we should.
2. He keeps bringing the same temptations to us over and over again, especially when we thought we had conquered a particular challenge.
3. Satan returns again and again through trying to tempt us in a variety of ways. If we only expect him to knock at the front door, we won't recognize him at the back door.

How is Satan currently trying to wear you down? Wear you out? Oppress you? Praise the Lord, Satan cannot inhabit you. The bad news is he can attack you from the outside.

Don't give up. Keep resisting him. He will have to flee. He may try another door but stand against him. He is a defeated foe and will not win. Claim your rights as a Princess and Prince--children of the King.

Incoming! Accusations!

In my last post I talked about knowing the heart of another person. And wouldn't you know it...I was challenged to put this truth into practice. When Larry and I visited our friend who has cancer, I said something really stupid to him when we left. I mean, it seemed like the stupidest thing that could be said. At least that was the accusation I believed. I began my usual routine: beating myself up!

"Kathy, you stupid! Why did you say something so insensitive and stupid? What must he think of you? What must he think about how much you care about him? Why can't you ever say the right thing?" By later that evening, I should have had black and blue marks on my brain, I had hit beat myself up emotionally so much.

I knew I was succumbing to believing lies but somehow I think I should just stop doing it, rather than taking the action that Scripture says. Finally I knew only obeying my loving Heavenly Father's instructions would deliver me.

I first rehearsed where the accusations were coming from: Satan. Revelation 12:10 tells us, "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, "Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night" (NASB).

I next relied upon 2 Corinthians 10:5: "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ," (NASB).

How do we do that? One way is to resist Satan (James 4:7). For me in that situation, it meant saying out loud, "Satan, in the Name of Jesus' who defeated you at Calvary through His blood, I resist and rebuke you. I tell you I'm not going to believe your lies any longer. I am a child of the King and I have been given the mind of Christ; therefore, I am not stupid. I'm not going to cooperate with you any longer."

Now, had I tried to believe that truth since the incident happened? Yes. I knew the truth that I possessed "in Christ" the mind of Christ. But it wasn't until I resisted Satan that the flaming missiles (Ephesians 6:16) actually stopped bombarding me. And I mean stopped! It always surprises me (but it shouldn't) that the accusations stop! It's like there's this peace that's supernatural. Where before a tense battle was going on--the air filled with volleys of bad thoughts; now there's a peaceful vacuum of still air. It's uncanny. And usually it takes me a few minutes to think back and realize that something is now very different.

This has happened so many times before. Why can't I go there right away? Why do I wallow in the mud when power is available to defeat the enemy immediately? I guess I'm just .... No, I'm not going to give Satan an opportunity. :-)

What lie of Satan's do you succumb to most regularly? How can you resist Satan by taking every thought captive? What inheritance of being "in Christ" can you claim that will stop Satan's flaming missiles from assailing you?

You do have power! Use it!

The Heart of Others

I promised you a second application to knowing God's ways but it's not really about God. It's about the heart of those you know. To review, I received a message from a friend on Facebook encouraging me to click on a link to find out who was visiting to my main page. It seemed a little unusual for my friend to send such a thing so I ignored it. It "smelled" like a scam. Within a few moments, I noticed that my friend posted that her account had been hacked and that everyone should not click on that link. I let her know I didn't respond and noticed that another person had written, "I ignored it because it didn't sound like something you would do."

The obvious application is to your friends and family. You're most likely not like me, but I'm easily offended and I'm too good at allowing Satan to whisper lies in my brain about other people (and of course, God, too!) Therefore, if someone seems a little short with me or isn't returning my emails, I immediately jump to the conclusion they don't like me. Or if I do something that I think might have offended them, I jump to the same conclusion. I'm good at jumping!

But if someone has shown themselves to be my friend in the past, why am I doubting their heart? Can I think, instead, that their avoidance or offense or whatever I perceive "isn't like them"? Can I trust their heart?

That's my challenge. I hope you don't have to have the same challenge.