Announcement and Ramblings on Pain

After 2 1/2 years of having Audrey, Larry's mom, living with us, we are moving her on Tuesday into a care house with caregivers caring for 3 women. We visited the care house today. It feels so weird to think that the hands-on caregiving is over. Of course, if I were well, I'd really be thrilled; like crazy. But knowing I really won't be able to take full advantage of it, I'm only relieved knowing I won't have to think about caring for her. The other benefits of the freedom, etc, won't be meaningful until after the surgery and the Lord heals me.

I really think she will do well in the house setting. She had begun refusing to leave the day care where she goes for Monday-Friday. She thought she lived there. Now that she'll stay in one place all the time, she won't be moving around and getting more confused. And one of the residents is quite talkative and alert. I think she will welcome Audrey and be a good friend. And the caregivers seem very loving and experienced. It's a lovely house highly recommended through a friend whose business is to help place elders in good places.

I have a sense that the Lord has released us and said, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." Although I really thought that she would stay here until she died here. But with my back condition and having surgery hopefully in December, and the pressure of Larry having to care of two disabled women, our limit has been reached. It feels like in the Lord's power, we should be able to do it endlessly regardless of the circumstances. But as Pastor Marvin commented, "You're only called to do what God wants you to do; not everything."

Ramblings on pain and future surgery:

I can tell when I'm putting hope in the surgery, because I'm no longer praying for God's healing before surgery; I'm just holding on until surgery. The Lord gave me the message of “be patient” as He directed me to read Psalm 37. That really sunk deep in my soul and I've been resting in it. He only wants me to live moment by moment, (as I should be doing about everything) not anticipating being in pain for several more weeks until the surgery. Otherwise, it feels so overwhelming and I begin to think, “I can't do this.”

But He wants me to not anticipate anything other than walking with him. Of course, it's easy to just be patient as I trust in taking the pain meds. But Lord, I really want to rest in you; with your strength-- to walk moment by moment.

I also can tell when I'm putting my trust in the surgery and leaving out the Lord when an obstacle occurs for progression toward surgery. Like this past week when I found out it would take me 2 weeks to see Dr Nasr, my regular doctor who has to refer me to pre-surgery tests. And I also found out it had taken a week for the surgeon/office to get the request in to the insurance. As a result, my surgery hasn't even been authorized yet. I was so discouraged. I cried because the obstacle was tantamount to me. In moments like that, I'm not trusting in the Lord's timing but in my desperation to get something going and to be out of pain.

Yes, it's normal to want to be out of pain and it's normal to take measures to be out of pain. But if that drive and demand leave out the Lord, then it's sin. I'm saying I must have this. I want to say, “Lord, I must have you and I trust you to provide everything else I truly need.”

The sense of entitlement creaks in so stealthily. After all, isn't it normal to expect to be out of pain? It seems a given. But there are many Christians who struggle with chronic pain. No, it's not a given that I shouldn't be in pain. I'm not entitled to have anything. Only my position in Christ is my entitlement.

I've really been trying to include “if the Lord heals me” in my thinking and speaking. It's more of a reminder to me that my healing is dependent upon the Lord. I hope it doesn't sound negative or that I don't think the surgery can help me. I think it can. But it can't without the Lord's permission and His healing touch.

Quote for Contemplating Pain

We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character.”--C.S. Lewis, (The Problem of Pain, page 34)

Review for "Surviving One Bad Year"

I know I already mentioned this book in my last post, but I thought I'd share the review for it that I put on sites like cbd, amazon and Barnes and Noble. Obviously, I recommend this book.

"I was encouraged by Nancie's vulnerable sharing about her challenging time. It was especially meaningful as I've been struggling with chronic pain. Her wise words would help anyone at any time since we all have struggles and challenges, but for those of us who feel like it's a more-than-average difficult time, her message really hits home. The ideas she shares are applicable for every struggle we face. If you flip through this book, you don't really benefit from the depth of meaning and encouragement it offers. I liked how Nancie included both spiritual insights and very practical ideas like taking good care of yourself. Sometimes we just need to have someone give us permission to do the things that should come naturally—but in times of stress we don't. She has included a “Personal Reflection” section at the end of each chapter that could easily be used by a group. And there's also a “New Beginnings Resource” list of insights; plus recommended reading. I've already recommended this book to others. Have it on hand for your inevitable “bad year.”

Analysis Paralysis

As I've traveled this road of back pain, I've sought the Lord for His purposes. Over the 5 months, I've had moments of great insight and yet wondering what I'm missing. I'm currently reading Nancie Carmichael's new book, Surviving One Bad Year, (Howard Books), and she refers to the disciples walking the Emmaus road with Jesus and then writes,

"As the two disciples from Emmaus walked and talked, they tried to make sense of things, to sort them out. And don't we do the same? We try to make sense of our experience, we analyze it: Where did we go wrong? What could we have done to prevent this? What did we miss? Whose fault was it? We can have feelings of failure, regret, and blame. And just plain sorrow. There's a risk to analysis, though. Joseph F. Schmidt writes, 'We are aware that by judging an experience we have classified its importance and therefore controlled its impact. In the process of labeling, we have surrendered to the analysis of the ego and have manipulated our experience.'' (Praying our Experiences, page 44)."

Nancie continues, "In other words, not so fast with the analysis. Wait. Look for Jesus in this place. The One who promised never to leave us nor forsake us, will show up." (page 48).

Nancie's words helped me to release the need to "make sure" I was thinking of everything I should learn. Although it seems a noble quest (after all, God does want me to gain what He desires from the experience), it also had become a self-focused pursuit and a lack of trust in God.

It was a self focused pursuit because I believed I had to make sure the insights came. And it was a lack of trust in God in believing He wasn't strong enough to show me whatever He wants to show me. I don't have to make it happen; I just have to be open and alert to whatever He wants to show me, whenever He wants to show me. And the other day, without me trying to force something to occur, He gently poured another insight into my open and receptive mind.

It also occured to me that the inner transformation He's working in me might not be fully revealed right away. It may be over a long time. I don't have to see or know everything that's going on. I can trust God to accomplish that which He intends for me. That's what Psalm 138:8 says, 'The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands" (NASB).

God has a plan and has not forgotten what it is.

How about you? Are you trying to figure out God and His plans? Are you in analysis paralysis? Neither of us needs to stress. God is faithful to reveal Himself and His plan. Count on it!

A Cane is Like a Strategy

The pain meds are less effective—minus vicodin. Now it really hurts to walk. I'm going to use a cane. It's great how much that really does help. No pressure or less pressure is good.

Larry just came home from taking his mom to elder day care and said, "Don't use the cane. It will make your leg atrophy more from non use and it will put you out of alignment."

That makes sense. So he has put it away.

His comment made me realized how symbolic using a cane is with how we use strategies to avoid pain. A strategy puts us out of alignment when walking with the Lord--we limp in our ability to stand firm (Ephesians 6). Our shield of faith is off center and doesn't protect our chest because we're leaning over or to the side.

And our spiritual muscles atrophy because they aren't being used. We're depending upon other responses instead of trusting God.

What do strategies look like? Anything and anytime we're trusting in our own protections and devices rather than God's. It looks like anything opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. A sinful, self-protective strategy includes reactions like anger, discontentment, impatience, apathy, closing off our heart in a relationship, worry, fear, manipulation, etc.

I'm not using the cane. I thought it would benefit me but it doesn't. The pain may be diminished but I'm just gaining more problems.

I have yet to relinquish all the strategies I have grabbed onto to protect myself from pain. But I know that's what God is calling me to every day. I'm going to take my shield of faith, stand firm and straight and protect my heart from distrust of God.

No Longer "Miss-don't-Make-Waves"

First read the post before this.

I'm shedding my "No waves" personna. I just called the health insurance referral service and asked about the referral to the surgeon. It has been approved.

I then called the surgeon's office and they've rec'd it but doctor will go over MRI report and then they'll call me to make an appt.

Please pray that these steps will be taken quickly and there will be an appt open soon.

Ascribe to the Lord....

>Last Friday, I'd decided I couldn't wait the additional 3 weeks the pain management doc wanted me to wait before referring me to a surgeon. I was in continuing great pain. So I got up my courage in the Lord, and left a message last Friday even though the doctor's office was closed.

If you know me, you can guess how much God was empowering me to speak up and make that call. Especially since I'm "Miss-Just-do-what-they-say-and-don't make waves." God inspired me to act. (Thanks also to my friend, Kat, who I'd been talking to last week and encouraged me to take action.)

I really didn't have much hope that I'd hear from them Monday because they are horrible about returning phone calls. At about 8:30 Monday morning, in response to my message from Friday, the scheduler called to say she had a cancellation that afternoon. Could I come in? I felt like I had a huge kiss from God. A cancellation at the last minute doesn't happen often because people have to wait 3 or more weeks to get into this doctor.

But I was still afraid the doctor would say he couldn't refer me until longer. But no problem; he treated it like it was a no-brainer. I was ready to have to fight for it. Larry was in the room and maybe that helped. Why on earth at my 3rd cortisone shot he had originally told me he couldn't refer me because the cortisone would have to get out of my system before I could correctly be assessed---I'll never know. I'd begged him to make it earlier. But now, no problem to get a referral. A little frustrating.

Well, I was really so grateful. Besides my hope in the Lord, I have hope for relief. I trust it's God will for me to get relief through surgery. No guarantees, I know, but at least there's forward action.

As I turned to Scripture and the Psalms to put to words my gratitude to the Lord, I found Psalm 29:

Ascribe to the LORD, O sons of the mighty,
Ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
²Ascribe to the LORD the glory due to His name;
Worship the LORD in holy array.
³The voice of the LORD is upon the waters;
The God of glory thunders,
The LORD is over many waters.
⁴The voice of the LORD is powerful,
The voice of the LORD is majestic.

I want to ascribe to the Lord His power and strength in being in charge and giving me grace and mercy at a needed time. Please pray that I can get an appointment at the surgeon's office as soon as possible.