Prayer request & More on Psalm 27

My second spinal cortisone shot for sciatic pain is tomorrow/Tuesday morning. Please pray for favor with God to deliver me from pain.

And the reason I use that wording, which for some reason, sounds a little weird to me, is because of additional insights from studying Psalm 27. We've been talking about "seeking God" as Psalm 27 talks about. I studied it with the NET Bible today and that translation gives a study note that "seeking God means seeking favor through prayer." So it's not just a matter of getting to know God more but of bringing our concerns to Him and asking for Him to intervene. That's reassuring. He wants us, and tells us, as in verses 7-8,
⁷Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
⁸When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You,
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." (NASB)

The NET Bible renders it:

"27:7 Hear me, O Lord, when I cry out!

Have mercy on me and answer me!

27:8 My heart tells me to pray to you,

and I do pray to you, O Lord. ^"

So this is another proof that when we're asking for God's intervention, help, and deliverance, we are seeking His face. It's not just a matter of coming to Him without a desire for His help. At times asking for His help seems selfish. But God says, "Bring it on! Ask me. Seek me. I'm here for you. I care. Cast all your burdens on me and I will sustain you. I'm going to glorify myself through coming through for you!"

Thank you, Lord, I need you! I'm seeking you.

Fluctuations Are To Be Expeccted

As I've continued to meditate on Psalm 27, I'm struck by how Psalmist David does say he wants only to focus on the Lord but he spends most of the Psalm bringing his concerns to the Lord. He cries out to the Lord for deliverance and protection. For instance, he writes,

¹²Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.

And he writes about being confident and unafraid and yet writes,

⁷Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
⁸When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You,
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
⁹Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

That's what I love about the Bible. It's honest! It shows where we're really at. David is vulnerable in showing the fluctuating emotions within him. He's confident and yet he's afraid. He's seeking God as his "one thing" and he also brings his concerns to God. He doesn't just sit around humming a mantra--some phrase over and over again to clear his mind. He's not in denial. He faces reality and says, "God, help me. I'm focusing on you. I'm seeking you. I expect you'll help me with these very real things."

Seeking God or Him being our "one thing" doesn't mean we aren't focused on other things.

David closes the Psalm with,

¹³I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
¹⁴Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

It seems he doesn't really expect instant answers. He knows he'll need to be strong and take courage. In the Amplified Bible, the wording is,
¹³[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!
¹⁴Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

In The Message, it's:
^13-14 I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.

The word "wait" in the Hebrew is: qavah. It means:

"gather together, look, patiently, tarry, wait for, on, upon A primitive root; to bind together (perhaps by twisting), i.e. Collect; (figuratively) to expect -- gather (together), look, patiently, tarry, wait (for, on, upon)." http://strongsnumbers.com/hebrew/6960.htm

I like this aspect: "to bind together (perhaps by twisting)". At times, it feels like we're being twisted in knots as fluctuating emotions assail us. "Yes, Lord, I'm confident. But you are going to take care of my enemies, right? I'm seeking you, Lord, but it feels like I can't see your face. I'm hoping and waiting, but my heart seems weak. Help!"

(Remember, our "enemies" can be things like pain, disappointment, discontentment, angry tendencies--anything that makes us not want to abide in Christ. For us, it's not just an enemy who is trying to kill us like it was with David. It's people or circumstances or temptations).

Maybe another aspect of "twisting" is when a rope has more and more strands twisted together, it gets stronger and stronger. The more you and I affirm our faith, hope and trust in God, the stronger our ability to wait upon Him grows. We're being twisted but each time we keep our hope we are less likely to turn away the next time.

Of course, Satan is ready in an instant to accuse. "Wow! Look at your fluctuating faith. You are so weak. No wonder the Lord has turned His face from you. If your faith were perfectly strong, you'd get the answer to your prayer."

That's a lie from the Evil One. God doesn't turn away from David and He won't turn away from us. We are His children and nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. We can bank on that.

I confess my faith is being twisted by pain and wanting it to end. I cry, "How long, Lord?" Yes, there's been progress but pain is pain. And still not being able to sit at my desk is disappointing. And wonder if I never can?

Then I must focus on the truth: God is good (as verse 13 says) and I am living in His goodness even in these circumstances. He knows His plan for my good and His glory.

How is your faith being twisted today? Does your faith fluctuate? It's all right. God understands. And He will be faithful to deliver you as he did David.

Pain as a Kind of Fast

An interesting thought sprang into my mind the other day and I've been mulling it over. "Pain is a kind of fast." Hmmm. Interesting.

Normally, we think of fasting from food. The purpose of the abstaining from food (among many purposes) is to remind us to seek God and/or pray for something in particular or in general. In other words, when a hunger pang hits me, instead of seeking out something to eat, I will seek out God. It's a way to be nudged to remember God.

Well, pain is like a fast from comfort. When we're comfortable, it's easier to forget God. After all, "God, things are pretty good. I'll check in with you later." But later doesn't come--or not as often as we'd like.

But pain makes us, forces us to seek God. Especially when medical solutions don't seem to be working. So at the least we seek Him for guidance as to what to do next. And He loves it! He wants to guide us. That's affirmed by Psalm 73:23-24 "Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
²⁴With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

My blogger friend and fellow traveler down the path of back pain, Rachel Beran (http://beranville.blogspot.com/), shared Psalm 73:25-26 with me and it made me look at several important verses in that Psalm:
²⁵Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
²⁶My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those are wonderful words. Yet challenging. "I desire nothing on earth"????? Like, as in, not wanting to go clothes shopping? Or get relief from pain? Or watch "The Golden Girls" on TV (No! I still haven't seen all the reruns!) Or .... You name it...whatever is your favorite earthly thing.

Yes, I know. I don't really think, as you do, that God doesn't want us to enjoy those things. He delights in giving good gifts to His children. But pain, the fast from comfort, makes me really focus on what truly is important. We'd most likely be willing to give up just about anything to be delivered from pain. And if you don't believe that, you haven't been in pain...enough pain.

But I feel like I'm rambling. I said I'm still mulling this over. I can't say yet God is all I desire on earth but I think in a small way, fasting from comfort is getting me a tiny bit closer there. For sure, He wants to be my strength and has shown Himself faithful for that. And remember: even seeking God for relief from pain is seeking Him. We are coming to Him for help and we are exhibiting our dependence upon Him knowing that He is our Great Physician, even as He uses earthly medicine.

As I read over all of Psalm 73, the last verse really struck me also. ²⁸But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

"The nearness of God is my good." Is for my good. As I fast from comfort through pain, it is good to seek God. He becomes more precious and important, more and more near to me. A refuge from fear that this will be my lot in life. A refuge from the temptation to make everything about me. And the strength to not be crabby (OK, imperfectly).

Even though He allows hard times, I'm more convinced of His love and care for me. I don't like the journey. And I hope this kind of fast is temporary. But He is becoming "more of" enough for me. (But I still can't wait to go clothes shopping).

One Thing I Ask of the Lord

My friend, Gail Wolfe, passed along these words by Ken Wiggers who contracted malaria while serving as a missionary in Papua New Guinea and later had lymphoma (see more of his story at the end of this post). He says, “I'm reluctant to inform folks of physical health problems because that seems to become the primary focus of so many prayers I hear. We're much more inclined to pray for physical issues/healing than for spiritual needs and issues. So, were you to ask me how to pray, my answer would be, that through this experience, no matter what the outcome, my attitude would clearly reflect my confidence that 'God is in charge' and that He's accomplishing His purpose in my life. And in that, I and those around me can rest in His grace and peace.”'

His words resonated in me because as I've struggled with sciatic pain, I've wrestled with wanting to keep my thoughts focused on seeking the Lord. Yet most of the time, I'm compelled to only want relief from pain. I know that's natural and believe me, I want God's healing. I'm so grateful for everyone's prayers. God is answering. But I also don't want this challenge wasted. God wants to use everything in our lives for our growth and good.

As I've meditated on Psalm 27 for several days now, I see this truth. The Psalmist David is in the midst of deep trouble, with enemies threatening him. Yet, he writes, “One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock. (NIV vs. 4-5).
Then he writes, “My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD. (vs 8, 13-14).

David wanted only one thing: seeking and knowing God's face. He didn't beg for relief or deliverance. (Although it is true that in other Psalms he begged for relief and deliverance). He believed trouble was unavoidable, but he didn't ask for relief but to know God more. He knew it would require patience, waiting on the Lord, and he was confident God would indeed work only for his good “in the land of the living.”
That is the kind of passion I long for. Ken wants people to pray for him, that “my attitude would clearly reflect my confidence that 'God is in charge' and that He's accomplishing His purpose in my life.”

Would you pray that for me also? My overarching desire is to seek and know God more. And in particular, right now, to trust God enough to be patient and have self control in not trying too quickly to sit in my desk chair! In my fear that I won't ever sit again, I tried to force it and set myself back three days ago because of my impatience. You can't hurry God. I must still have lots to learn on bed rest.

AND the rest of the story from Ken who wrote me:
“You are more than welcome to use the quote Gail sent on to you. Let me add that some lessons in life are not quickly learned. It wasn't just malaria and lymphoma.

While in aviation training for missions I had surgery removing part of a lung. Later for about 10 years I struggled with back spasms blamed on that previous surgery. The ultimate result was surgery to remove a spinal cord tumor about the size of a thumb in my upper back. We also had a special needs daughter who who caused us to take a 5 year leave of absence from missions. She died at age 11 (mentally about age 2) in Papua New Guinea from hepatitis with pneumonia complications .

I could tell you more but that is enough to let you know that after awhile you begin to realize that God REALLY is in control, not yourself, not the doctors, or... My wife, Pat, had the opportunity to tell her eye doctor that very thing when several weeks after glaucoma correction surgery she developed an infection, the retina completely detached, and ultimately the eye was removed to stop the super-sensitivity to light.

The best lessons in life come during the tough times. Rom 5:3; Jam 5:2-4”

Audrey has Lost Her Knowledge of Heaven (AND PAIN UDPATE(

Larry and I have been sad that his 93-year-old mom, Audrey, has forgotten what heaven is. She has Lewy Body Dementia and has deteriorated to the point that she doesn't know who we are, can never remember that she lives here, and is now actually forgetting how to dress herself. It's been a long decline.

But when Larry talked to her the other day and mentioned her going to heaven, she didn't know what heaven was. This is particularly sad because for so long as she hated getting old and would often say, "I wonder why God doesn't take me home to heaven to see Him. That's going to be so great," there was such hope and comfort in her demeanor. Somehow knowing that, it seemed to her, made it worthwhile to wait.

But now she doesn't have that hope any longer. And she rarely even asks about God taking her home. In her anger, she'll just exclaim she wants to die.

This has made Larry and I think about how significant it is that we have hope of heaven. And it's something that most likely should occupy more of our thoughts. This life isn't the whole story. Everything that happens to us has a purpose--to prepare us for heaven where I believe we'll serve Him in meaningful ways. I don't know how but I think the scripture says we'll reign with Him. We gotta reign over something, right? I think that means we'll have some responsibilities.

Regardless, we have a hope. When we're discouraged, we know we'll never be discouraged in heaven. When we're in pain, we know we'll never be in pain in heaven. When we're grieving, we know we'll never grieve in heaven. There is so much comfort and hope in knowing it will be perfect there and we'll continually enjoy Jesus' very presence.

And the pain of earth will be forgotten. How wonderful.

PAIN UPDATE: I think I'm a little better and my emotional state is definitely better. And I could actually sit in my desk chair for 23 minutes this morning. Yes, it was uncomfortable and I had to squirm into different poses at times but I could do it. Thank you, Lord. You can't imagine how much I miss sitting at my desk. Laying on my bed with the lap top is not my cup of tea. And I don't have all my files nor the things on my desk. Well, enough complaining. There is hope. Thank you for your continued prayers.

The World is Made For Sitting

I'm in much less pain after my spinal injection and very grateful to God to be off the narcotic pain meds. But I still can't sit.

But when I lay down I'm not in as much pain and I'm more comfortable. But I still can't sit.

I walk with more comfort but I still can't sit.

Do you know how much of the world is meant for people who can sit? I haven't been able to find any restaurants for people who lay down while they eat. I haven't sat in church; I lay down on the last row of chairs. I haven't been able to reach down to cut my toe nails. But I haven't found anywhere to get a pedicure where they let you lay down.

Do you know how much of the world is made for people who sit?

As I thought of this predicament, I realized there's a spiritual application.
Wonder if we told God, "Lord, I'm being more patient toward my child but I still won't forgive my mom for talking to me that way."

Or, "Lord, I'm being more faithful at my Bible reading but don't ask me to ever go to Africa as a missionary."

Or...well, you get the idea. Just as the world is meant for people who sit, the spiritual world is meant for people who are sensitive to obedience in every area of their lives. Excusing my inability to sit and not praying for God's healing and seeking further medical help to alleviate the pain won't bring me much joy or power to be a part of society. And excusing my inability to receive God's strength to fight every known sin won't bring me much joy or power to be a part of God's kingdom on earth.

It's so easy to excuse sinful areas of our lives with, "If only she would act right, then I will." Or, "Anyone would respond in anger if they were treated like that." Or, ...you name it.

Even though Moses had tremendous pressure while guiding the rebellious Israelites through the wilderness, when he struck the rock in anger when God told him to speak to it to bring forth the water, God didn't say, "Well, I understand, you've been under lots of stress. After all, your sister just died. Anyone would act like that."
No. God banished him from the Promised Land for his disobedience. A very strong consequence for something we might think could be easily excused. But God didn't excuse him.

Is there an area in your life where it seems like you can just excuse it by blaming others and not taking responsibility? That's like continuing to live in a world without sitting. You just don't get to enjoy your favorite restaurants. Take out food gets old after awhile. Don't settle for take out in your spiritual life. Sit at the banquet of spiritual richness in obedience.

Peace that Passes Understanding

This morning I went in for my first spinal injection. Several weeks ago when I was scheduled for the shot, they mentioned I could get sedation along with it. It wouldn't put you out nor take away the pain but it eases anxiety. Right then I decided I would get the sedation. The nurse at the time mentioned, "The sedation doesn't' take away the pain and besides it's only painful for 30 seconds." 30 seconds? Have you ever looked at a clock for 30 seconds and thought about being in pain that long? Doesn't sound happy to me or quick. I'll get the sedation. I'd always heard of these cortisone shots and the pain that comes with it. I'd hoped, even vowed, I'd never get such a shot.
But guess what 3 months of pain does? It makes you say, "Anything!"
So yesterday I started sending out emails (as I told my mother), "To everyone in the universe to pray!" And you did.
As Larry drove me to the clinic with me laying in the back seat, I thought, "Well, I feel pretty calm. HMMMM. But I'm going to get the sedation."
Then I thought, "I really do feel pretty calm. Lord! You are giving me peace. Lord! You are answering everyone's prayers. I feel calm. Sure, I'm a little nervous inside but by golly, I'm really peaceful. I can't believe it!"
And then I decided I wouldn't have the sedation. I knew this wasn't from me. I knew this was "the peace that passes understanding." and the result of God's answer of "yes" to prayer. I don't say it very much but I literally felt God's people's prayers and His peace.
I didn't have the sedation and felt calm during the procedure. It actually turned out the whole procedure took less then 2 minutes with minimum pain. Really, it was more like a prick like a dentist's Novocain shot but deep in my back. Very bearable. And when the doc said the second medicine going in would hurt a little more, I just felt this nerve reaction that caused a jerk down my leg but really no pain.
It's been 8 hours since the procedure. And 4 hours since my last dosage of Vicadin wore off. And about now the ibuprofen I took this morning is wearing off. I have no pain. My faith isn't strong enough to believe I'll be painfree. But my faith muscle is growing. This is the first time in 3 months that when the pain meds wore off there was no pain. A few moments ago I wept with joy to think God has given me a miracle.
Thank you for your prayers. I'm taking up my mat and rejoicing in the Lord.

Jesus asked, "Do you Want to Get Well?"

My wonderful husband, Larry, who has taken marvelous care of me these weeks I've been pretty much on my back most of the time from intense sciatic pain, walked into the kitchen carrying groceries this morning. At first, I continued to lay down but then I remembered that yesterday I was feeling so much better. I even went without my vicadin for 5 hours with minimum discomfort. Plus, the Lord had been bringing to my mind this morning the story of Jesus asking the disabled man, "Do you want to get well?" I knew why. When I'm not in horrible pain or nauseous (as I have been a few times because of the meds), it's really not too bad being waited on. I just lay here, read, watch TV, work on the computer and at times, ring my bell to get Larry's attention. It's a sick perspective but when I'm not feeling physically bad, I sorta enjoy being sick. I'm the queen! Poor Kathy!
But the past week, I've had drastic improvement. When this pain started 13 weeks ago, I couldn't get out of bed or sit or especially, stand up without intense, grimacing pain, using my Lamaze breathing.
But hey, when I'm feeling better, I can enjoy being sick. See how sick that is--in the brain and heart? Selfishness reins supreme. I hope you're not like me..
So God needed to get my attention through reflecting on that Bible story. The man did rise up and so did I. I got up and put away the groceries.
I still can't drive or sit, but I'm doing much better. Thank you, Lord.
My spinal cortisone shot is Monday morning at 7am. Please pray that it is God's will for Him to use that for total healing. I'm taking up my mat and walking.

Where Does My Hope Lie?

My Blogging friend, Rachel Beran, wrote on her blog about the flareup with neck pain. She'd gotten pretty good but something created new and increased pain. She vulnerably shared her discouragement. You can read her post at

www.beranville.blogspot.com

I commented something like:

"Oh, Rachel, I'm so very sorry to hear of this setback. Like Julie, you know that I also can relate. I'll be praying for healing. Thank you for being honest about your discouragement. It's a good warning for me, as I think about it, right now. I'm going in for my spinal cortisone shot this coming Monday and I know I'm counting on that to relieve my pain rather than keeping my eyes on the Lord. That's a set up for discouragement and maybe even depression if it doesn't solve the problem. So thank you that God used you. I need to keep my eyes on Him for my healing and my encouragement. I'm praying for you, Julie and myself. Heal us, Lord!"

(by the way, my comment didn't go through on Rachel's blog for some reason even though I tried to post it several times. Go figure).

It's so easy to look to human solutions for our problems. It's a question of asking, "Where does my hope lie?" God may want me to find solutions but am I trusting in that rather than God's work? It is only Him making the therapy, etc, work. I've often thought that if God told me to ride a motorcycle up and down our street 7 times to heal an ailment, that would be his means, not anything else. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm deceiving myself to do any of these things because I'm so desperate for the pain to end.

Well, now I'm rambling. I'm so hoping the shot will work--before I get tired of watching "The Golden Girls" reruns.

For Joshua's marching orders to solve his "problem" of a resistant Jericho, God said, "march and then shout." Not exactly a tried and true military strategy. But God commanded it and they did it and the city fell.

In all honesty, I'm not sure if God wants me to do the shot. In my pain, it's hard to hear clearly. I hope it is. But if the shot doesn't work, "Oh, Lord, help me to keep my eyes on you and trust your plan for me."

Don't Flee to the Hills of Old Strategies

The Lord drew me to Psalm 11 (below) of all things and in meditating on it and doing some research, it's a wonderful description of our self protective sinful strategies. We feel threatened and our natural desire is to flee. Run to the hills! Find refuge in our old strategy. It is comforting, safe, and familiar. It feels like our very foundation is cracking. We may feel panicky. We're out of our comfort zone. Flee to the mountain like a bird. We feel helpless. When the foundation is being destroyed, there seems like there's really nothing we can do about it.

But the Lord hasn't left His throne. God is in charge. Our foundation might feel threatened but God's foundation is sure. Nothing can shake it. He wants to be our refuge and dwelling place, especially in the midst of threat.

God is watching. He knows we're being threatened and He is aware. He is wanting to come to our aid and help us through the power of His Spirit. He has promised He will. We are the righteous not based only on our performance but primarily through our position in Christ. And He will fight for us and defeat our enemies—the mental, spiritual and emotional flaming arrows that Satan sends of insecurity, fear, etc.

I saw this battle this morning as I contemplated calling into the pain center to see if there had been a cancellation for a time sooner than my appointment to get my spinal cortisone shot. The Lord seemed to say, “Do it now.” But my old strategies, my old insecurities wanted to run to the hills. I will be a pest if I call. Someone won't like me. I don't want to be told “no” because maybe it means something about me—I'm not worthy. All my old coping mechanisms rose up and said, “Flee to the safety of your old patterns and avoid the risk of rejection.” It seems so pitiful to write about this because it seems so small minded. But our old strategies seem huge at the time and the only reason I called was because I sensed that not calling would be pure disobedience. I asked for God's courage and called.

Yes, they had a cancellation of a week sooner. I will only have to wait 2 weeks instead of 3 to get my shot. I rejoiced and thanked God. And then it hit me. The timing was significant. If I had waited the spot would have been taken by the next patient who made an appointment. The Lord had positioned me for receiving the new appointment. Thank you Lord for empowering me for obedience.

Now my challenge is feeling like if I call again, I really will be a pest. Will I be willing to obey the Lord's guidance if He wants me to call again? Pray that I have the courage. Even if there's no opening, I'm still valuable and worthwhile. Thank you Lord for drawing me to Psalm 11. I won't flee to the mountain. I'm staking my faith in your position as God in charge.

What old strategies and patterns make you want to run to the hills when life is threatening?

Psalm 11

For the director of music. Of David.

1 In the LORD I take refuge.
How then can you say to me:
"Flee like a bird to your mountain.

2 For look, the wicked bend their bows;
they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
at the upright in heart.

3 When the foundations are being destroyed,
what can the righteous do ?"

4 The LORD is in his holy temple;
the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
He observes the sons of men;
his eyes examine them.

5 The LORD examines the righteous,
but the wicked and those who love violence
his soul hates.

6 On the wicked he will rain
fiery coals and burning sulfur;
a scorching wind will be their lot.

7 For the LORD is righteous,
he loves justice;
upright men will see his face.