The Connection Between Love and Faith

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Are you ready for the third empowering way to love well? (Read my previous two posts for the other two ways). I Timothy 1:5 gives it to us: "a sincere faith." 


At first I wondered how faith figures in with giving love for the benefit of the other person--and not ourselves. I realized there are several aspects and one requires that we look back at Paul's thoughts leading up to verse 5. Here are verses 3-5:

"As I urged you upon my departure for Macedonia, remain on at Ephesus so that you may instruct certain men not to teach strange doctrines, nor to pay attention to myths and endless genealogies, which give rise to mere speculation rather than furthering the administration of God which is by faith. But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." (NASB)

Paul is contrasting real love with strange doctrines. The "strange doctrines" depend on things that require our own efforts for salvation: knowing myths and genealogies. The Gospel on the other hand, is dependent upon God's work on our behalf. It's confidence dependent upon grace.

The Judaizers who Paul is refuting didn't love the people well because they were putting all manner of unrealistic expectations upon them by telling them they needed to return to the Law for salvation. In Greek, "sincere faith" is "faith unfeigned" or "not hypocritical." The Judaizers were telling the people to earn their salvation through the Law when they themselves couldn't be good enough to earn it. Talk about hypocrisy. Insincere faith and selfish "love" says "I've arrived (done it right) and deserve salvation but you haven't." Paul says true love is not hypocritical. The person with true love puts sincere faith to work. What does that look like?


Faith from the Gospel (not myths, genealogies or false teachings) means that we are all on equal ground. The Gospel says all of us are sinners in need of a Savior. Loving "well" doesn't expect more than is reasonable. Therefore, I don't put unreasonable expectations upon another person since I can't perform any better than they can. I see them through God's eyes and respond with grace like He does. I can even love myself "well" by giving myself grace. 


Secondly, sincere faith empowers loving "well" by trusting in God's powerful work in another person. If faith believes it's God's work, not my efforts (both for salvation and sanctification), I can also apply that faith to believing God will work in another person's life and I don't have to force them to change. Loving unselfishly means letting go of manipulation, anger, bitterness, and control. I no longer need to force things to happen because the Holy Spirit is a much better Holy Spirit than I am! 


In my first post in this series on loving well, I talked about trying to change Larry in our early marriage. Because he was rarely home (he worked two jobs and had a flying hobby), I was angry and bitter. I expected him to meet my needs because I believed he held the key to my happiness. 

In time, God convicted me of my selfish "love" and I turned to God to meet my needs. I released Larry from that responsibility and could love him "well" by being happy and pleasant toward him, no longer nagging, complaining and demanding perfection. I believed God would work according to His plan and even if He didn't do what I desired, I could trust God to meet my true needs.


About that time, Larry finalized his plans to resign as a Downey police officer because he was hired as a Huntington Beach police officer. But this required a cut in pay, which meant Larry no longer had the money to rent a plane to fly. Amazing! He was home more! God had provided what I wanted in His own timing and in His own way. But not because of my manipulation and control. Faith had empowered me to love Larry well. I had no guarantee Larry would change, therefore, I was willing to love well whether or not it "paid off." In time, Larry was willing to allow God to change him and the restoration of the love of our marriage began.  I'm so grateful.


I've learned a lot this week thinking about loving well from I Timothy 1:5. I've been challenged to grow in having a pure heart, a clear conscience and a sincere faith. I hope you have too. A good question to ask ourselves is: "Which of those three elements for loving well do I need to grow in?" I trust the people around us will notice!

Is Your Conscience Clouding Your Love?

We're looking at I Timothy 1:5 for instruction on being able to love well: "But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." I defined "loving well" as being able to love with pure motives for the good of the other person. We looked at the "pure heart" for that. Now, let's look at another element of loving well: "a good conscience."


I was surprised to remember an incident in the Bible where the guilt of an "non-good" (sorry) conscience messed up the disciples' ability to listen to Jesus and thus love and serve Him well. Here's what happened:

And the disciples came to the other side of the sea, but they had forgotten to bring any bread. And Jesus said to them, “Watch out and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” They began to discuss this among themselves, saying, “He said that because we did not bring any bread.” But Jesus, aware of this, said, “You men of little faith, why do you discuss among yourselves that you have no bread? Do you not yet understand or remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets full you picked up? Or the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many large baskets full you picked up? How is it that you do not understand that I did not speak to you concerning bread? But beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” Then they understood that He did not say to beware of the leaven of bread, but of the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees. (Matthew 16:5-12).

Did you notice what happened? The disciples were feeling guilty because they neglected one of their responsibilities. Their guilt clouded their ability to listen and really hear what Jesus was saying to them. They assumed His intent was tracking on what they were consumed with thinking about. As a result, their trust was blocked and they were selfishly focused on themselves and their own concerns.

I think this can happen a lot in subtle ways. 

• A wife feels bad for being irritated with her husband before he leaves for work. She thinks about it all day and when he comes home, she interprets his silence as anger, when he's just preoccupied with thoughts of work. As a result, she doesn't ask him about his day.

• A mom feels guilty because she over-reacted toward her misbehaving toddler in the grocery store. When she comes across her friend at the store, she can't recognize her friend's sadness because she's ashamed of her behavior. She misses an opportunity to minister to her friend.

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I know there are so many other examples. Our guilt clouds our ability to focus on the needs of others and "be there" for them. We can't love them "well."


And the solution is so easy and simple: confess and be cleansed! Confess it to God and ask for His forgiveness. Talk about it with the other person and see if there is a problem. Don't assume. Receive the cleansing that will restore a good conscience and then we can focus on the needs of the other person and love them well. Our clouded focus from our guilt will be removed. 


It's that simple! Not easy, but it is simple. But because of the cross, it can be done! 


Is any guilt clouding your ability to love well? To focus on the needs of the other person and forget about yourself? If so, turn to the Lord for forgiveness and cleansing. It can be yours right now.


Next post, we'll focus on the third part of loving well: a sincere faith.

Do You Love Or Do You Love Well?

Do you love your spouse?
Do you love your child?
Do you love your best friend?

I'm sure you said "yes" to each question. Of course. But here's another way to ask:
Do you love your spouse well?
Do you love your child well?
Do you love your best friend well?

Hmmm. I'm wondering what you're thinking now. How does adding the word "well" to the question change the meaning for you--or your answer? Does it make you reconsider? Or maybe you are  scratching your head wondering about the distinction between loving and loving "well"?

These two words, "loving well," are words I first heard together from our counselor/teacher, Patti Cepin, when Larry and I were going through our Potter's Wheel counseling training. I'd never really thought of putting those two words together before. But since then, they have been very instructive and something that makes me question my quality of love for others--and make some wise choices. Because loving "well" means I would love someone according to what is best for them. 

I think I found three ways to determine if we're loving well in Paul's words to Timothy:

"As I urged you when I was going to Macedonia, remain at Ephesus so that you may charge certain persons not to teach any different doctrine, nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies, which promote speculations rather than the stewardship from God that is by faith. The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Certain persons, by swerving from these, have wandered away into vain discussion, desiring to be teachers of the law, without understanding either what they are saying or the things about which they make confident assertions" (I Timothy 1:3-7).

Paul gives three ways to be able to love well: a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. 

1. A pure heart wants what is best for the other person, not what will benefit ourselves. The use of Paul's word "heart" refers to motives. What is our motive for loving that person? Or what is the motive for the way we choose to love them? Paul says we need to have pure motives.

He contrasts that with the Judaizing teachers who wanted to teach the believers for the purpose of being elevated as teachers--not to benefit the people. They did not have a pure heart. They didn't want what was best for the people (to know the true Gospel of grace) but to teach out of ignorance that which didn't draw the people closer to God. They wanted to put the people back into bondage under the Law even though God wanted to set them free. If the people were under the Law, the teachers could be in the powerful position of dictating how they should obey the Law. The people would be dependent upon them, not dependent upon the Lord and His Spirit's leading.

As I think of having a pure heart, I think of the kind of love that Proverbs 22:6 talks about: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Yes, that's referring to the way of righteousness but as the commentator Barnes notes, it's also the way indicated by the child's temperament. A "well-loving" parent doesn't try to fit his child into his own mold or tries to live out his own un-realized dreams through his child. He wants what God wants for him. How God has "bent his tree" (as Charles Swindoll writes). The parent's own fears don't get in the way of encouraging that child to seek God's will, even if it means going onto a dangerous mission field or seeking a job that doesn't fit in with the parent's definition of success.  

Years ago, (should I say eons?), when Larry and I had been married seven years, we experienced the seven year itch. I wanted to scratch my way all the way to divorce court. Since I couldn't do that, I prayed for the plane he was flying to crash. That's an acceptable choice, right? 


Since my attempts to change him through anger and manipulation weren't working, I made what I thought was a loving choice in one moment of sanity. I planned a surprise birthday party for him. I expected that doing this loving thing would awaken his love for me so that he would treat me better. After all, I personally would love to have a surprise birthday party thrown for me. (The fact that I'm still waiting for it to happen will not be brought into the discussion--but no worries, I'm not holding my breath. I am NOT turning blue... Sorry.) If he threw a party for me I would love him to pieces. Therefore he should want it also, right?


Wrong. When Larry walked through the front door of our house looking sweaty and tired after a game of tennis and was greeted by twenty-five of our closest friends yelling "Surprise! Happy Birthday!", he graciously smiled and even enjoyed the party--(along with the black-painted wooden coffin in the living room). But guess what? He didn't change! He didn't stay home more often to help me with the kids or do anything loving for me. A complete bust. What a disappointment.


Should my disappointment have alerted me to the fact that I had merely changed my tactics? That my love wasn't pure because my motives were still controlling and manipulative? That I wasn't loving him well because I didn't choose something he valued? He would have valued a wife who didn't nag, whine, mope and complain. That would have been a valued birthday gift!

But I didn't have a clue. I only chalked up another example on my mental white board list of "Why I am entitled to be angry." And layered on more nagging, whining, moping, and complaining. 


In time, God's power and grace intervened--to His praise and glory and next month we'll celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary. And I think Larry would say he has the gift of a wife who respects, admires, appreciates, and loves him well (though imperfectly). And I have a husband who loves me very, very well. 


That incident in our history stands tall as a reminder of not loving with a pure heart. Maybe you can think of some of your own. Or maybe you'll want to ask for the first time, "What is my motive? What is my heart like as I try to love this person? Am I loving well?"

Next time I'll continue on to talk about loving well with a good conscience and a sincere faith. For the present, think about loving well and see if it gives a different perspective to the way you love.

Procrastination, Another Thought

Writing about procrastination a short while back has actually helped me to become more disciplined in taking action and avoiding that "p" word. I've become more aware of the tendencies that feed my procrastinating. And one of them is my leftover "all or nothing" tendency founded in my perfectionism. It looks like this. 

• I don't have enough time to do all the dishes, so I won't do any.
• I don't have enough energy to put away all the clothes, so I won't do any.
• I don't know all I'd write in that blog post about ______, so I won't even start.
• I don't think my friend is home now, so I won't even call. 

See the pattern? Do you relate? It's so easy to fall into this "all or nothing"ness. It seems so....reasonable. Yet, could it be a kind of subtle disobedience? If God is telling me to call my friend, am I second guessing God and telling Him when the right time to call is? If God is giving me a few minutes before we head out the door and I neglect to put some dishes in the dishwasher, am I dictating what I can do?


I recognize that I'm using insignificant examples to talk about obeying God, but could it be that I could walk moment by moment with the Spirit's empowering by responding to His prompting? Even in little things? That is indeed the desire of my heart. And I believe God Almighty wants to be Lord of every area of my life. Yes, even the dishes. 


And right now, I think He wants me to introduce you to an amazing website by a couple who are walking in obedience in a very special way. I was amazed and humbled by their walk of faith. Please check out http://www.amomentcherished.blogspot.com. This family has already adopted an infant from Ethiopia and is seeking to sponsor a teenager from there for a school visa. But God will have to do a miracle for that to happen. Please read about their heart for this boy who lives on the streets.

Tribute to My Mother

My mother, Vivian Dauer Collard Daugherty, has been an amazing example of unconditional love in my life. Of all things, when I think of my mom, her love has been expressed as support, encouragement, and interest. When I skyped with her this morning, she wanted to see how the newly painted and decorated office looked. She was interested in every detail. That's just like her. She is caring and interested. 


When I was a teenager, I was in a girls' organization. In order for me to take a position of leadership, a parent had to join the parents leadership team. My mom doesn't enjoy being in charge of anything. She is a behind the scenes kind of person. Even though involvement in an organization is not her cup of tea, she took a responsibility on the parent team so that I could pursue my dream. That's just like her. She is willing to sacrifice.


Another example she has been to me is her growth and curiosity about life. When I was an older teen and continuing on for years, my mom was always taking some kind of class. I can remember her taking an archaeology class. Another time she took decorating. Only a few years ago she took the challenge and purchased a computer. Even in her eighties, she is willing to learn new things and stay connected with her family. That's just like her. She wants to learn and grow.


She also exemplifies strength to me. I know she doesn't think of herself this way, but she is strong. She would say her strength is from God and that is true. In her weakness she seeks the Lord and depends upon Him. She has gone through many hard things in her life. She was orphaned by age 10 and raised by her unmarried aunt. My dad died suddenly at age 50. In time, she remarried and supported Bud through prostate cancer until his death. Now she is adjusting into an independent living residence with courage and grace. That's just like her. She is strong in the Lord.

Mom, I love you and admire you. Thank you for always being there for me and all of us. I'm so proud to call you my mother. Happy Mother's Day!

Who Me? A Procrastinator?

Who me, a procrastinator? Can't be. That's a dirty word, isn't it? 


At least, it sure seems like it at times. I think the word "procrastinator" is given other words that don't sound so convicting. You know, like we say, "I'm not angry, I'm just a little irritated"? Well, instead of procrastinator, I think, "I'm just being efficient. This isn't the best time to do that." Or, "I'm just too busy right now to do that." Or, "Something more important is required."


Indeed, that could be true. Maybe even wise. But a lot of the time I'm actually being lazy or just don't want to do it!


Here's how it worked this morning. I stirred my newly made iced coffee in preparation for coming out on the patio to write to you. I looked at the spoon in my hand and then over at my dish-topped kitchen counter and then at the half-emptied dishwasher. "Well, no place to put the spoon right now. I'll do it later." Seems valid, right?


Or when I checked my email this morning, I have ten emails that need to be eliminated without even any action needed, but hey, "I'll do it later when I can do it all at once--along with the other thirty-five emails that I need to go through." 


These tendencies are really on my mind right now, even more, because Larry finished painting our office yesterday and now I can move back in and do the needed re-organization that I've been planning on for months. In fact, that was another way I procrastinated. I piled things on my desk thinking, "When the office is done, I'll take care of all this." 


Ha! Now I don't have any excuses. The office is done. I really want to get in the habit of putting things away consistently. 


So, help me. What do you do to ward off any procrastinating tendencies? In what way are you tempted to procrastinate the most? What Scripture motivates you or empowers you to be more consistent?


By the way, I haven't mentioned it for awhile. If you'd like to receive my posts by email, sign up in the "Subscribe by email" form on the left. Thanks!

Stop Blaming Yourself for Everything!

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Have you recently asked God what "heart change" He wants for you? I asked Him that question this morning and I thought about my inclination to blame myself for everything. Even since childhood, I carried that burden. And as I asked the Lord, "Where did that come from?" One memory He brought back was the time I was around 8 or 9 (I think) and I was walking home from bowling with my new bowling ball. I was a part of a children's Saturday morning bowling league and really enjoyed it.


I'm walking along this very safe neighborhood (in the old days, children could walk along safely), and a car with a man in it pulls over to the curb near me. He leans across the front seat and calls to me through the open window.

"Don't talk to strangers" must have vibrated through my brain and I panicked. The blood gushing through my ears from my heart pounding furiously blocked understanding what he was saying. I fully expected him to jump out of the car and grab me. I started running. I can't imagine how fast I could run holding a bowling ball, but my little legs ran as fast I could. 


I don't know how far I got before I paused to look back. The car was nowhere in sight. I stopped and looked around more just in case. No car. No man. Whew!


But then I thought, "Oh, Kathy, he wasn't bad at all. How silly you are. He most likely just wanted to ask for directions. Now you've hurt his feelings. He most likely feels really bad to make you scared. Poor man. Why do you always do the wrong thing? That's pretty stupid."


And so the recriminations most likely continued for the rest of the way home. 


To think that I'd done a wise thing wasn't on my radar screen. I based the wisdom of my choice upon what resulted. Since the man didn't follow me, he wasn't bad, therefore I over-reacted. To think my action had protected me from danger didn't seem correct. Therefore, it was my fault and I was to blame for causing angst in that man.


Oh my. It seems so silly now and yet in many ways, I'm still doing the same kind of thing. I call myself stupid based upon the outcome rather than asking for God's evaluation of the situation and my reaction.


Then I asked the Lord, what does blaming myself accomplish? I realized it's a means of control. If I blame myself, there's the possibility I could change and therefore make things better. But if other people are to blame, there's less chance things will change. After all, I can't change or control them. I can change and control me and that brings hope that things can improve. 


Of course, such control leaves out the Lord! I'm in charge; I'm not relying on the Father's power or desiring His will. Relying upon Him seems dangerous because I can't control Him either! He may not change things the way I want! That's scary.


But that's exactly what God continues to teach me again and again. Even though it's scary to trust God who can't be figured out, I must because He is the only One who knows best. Plus, I really can't change myself without Him--at least deep down inside at a heart level. 

Now that I know His heart of love more, I do want to risk and trust Him. That means seeking God's evaluation of the situation, not the results, and then taking responsibility for what is really my fault. And glory be! Asking for His forgiveness and cleansing instead of continuing to mentally hit myself over the head brings freedom. I must write right now, "Praise the Lord!"


A little complicated? Yes, it seems so, but feel free to let me know if this resonates with you.